Statuses for Facebook
I want to be the guy who answers the cellphone: "Go."
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You can’t please everyone, but you can certainly piss them all off.
I *can* handle you at your worst, but if you don’t give me your best more often, you don’t deserve to have me around for it.
If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.
Opinions are like manholes. Most of them will just lead you into a bunch of crap.
I don’t have any room to complain, so I'll just do it right out in the open instead.
If you give someone too much pull, they'll push you right out of their life.
I’m sorry I upset you. I’ll try not to be right next time.
If 1am through 4am counts… then sure, I’m a morning person.
Waving my hand at a fly and saying “get the fuck out of here” has a 0% success rate, but I keep trying it over and over anyway.
"We'd like to have your money." - True honest advertising
We can agree to disagree as long as you know I’m telling everyone you’re wrong.
I favor the separation of church and hate.
The present is where the past and the future meet to exchange hostages.
Don't despair. It's always been this bad. You've just gotten better at noticing it.
Never use alcohol as a crutch. Use a crutch as a crutch. Use alcohol to escape from reality.
Americans consume 80% of the world's painkillers. Amazing, since they suffer only .0008% of the world's pain.
It's better to go gay to heaven than straight to hell.
There is no sense in worrying about the past. The future though, holy crap.
Always follow your dream. Keep following it. Chase it. Stalk it. Ignore any restraining orders it puts out. YOU'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
Don't worry about things you can't control. Worry about how almost everything falls into that category.
All tattoos are temporary, silly mortals.
It's not illegal to ask for money. It's not illegal to go to a liquor store. It's not illegal to have guns. And yet here we are, Your Honor.
Staring longingly at the door works for pets, but I tried it at work and no one lets me out.
If you eat too many of them, they become de-appetizers.
Well there's twenty-two and a half years of my life that I'll never get back.
No, it's certainly not too much to ask. It's just too much for anyone to answer "yes" to.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it.
Happiness can't buy you money.
I would never eat my own words. I'm too full of myself.
Sometimes I get the feeling that pets are just using us for our thumbs.
Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.
Whenever I'm sad, I try to imagine a T-Rex trying to put on a hat.
Some of you need to give your inner child a time out.
"The trouble with real life is that there is no danger music." -Chip Douglas
What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
I finally got my second wind, but it wasn't any better than my first.
I'd say that, for me, the optimal amount of sleep is a little bit more.
That's, like, number four on the list of things I never think about.
Why do bad things happen to bad people at an insufficiently high rate?
I meant to say "Ok, sure", but I guess what I actually said was "Only if you give me a 20 minute explanation for why I should agree."
I knew that was a mistake. I recognized it from all the other times I made it..
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Some brains are like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in, never to be seen again.
Keep calm. Nobody else knows what they're doing either.
I'm afraid I have completely lost track of the whatabouts of this conversation.
Grammar: your doing it wrong.
I hate it when people say "What's your problem?", as though there's only one.
When the yoga instructor tells us all to breath I never have the heart to tell her that I've been breathing the entire time.
Many of us believe that wrongs aren't wrong if it's done by nice people like ourselves.
Gays should have just claimed Homosexuality as a religion. They would have had unbelievable rights & protection decades ago.
I get asked out a lot. Out of coworkers' offices, out of strangers' cars, out of neighbors' houses, out of reputable places of business..
I've had such bad luck lately it's like I broke a mirror with an umbrella I was opening inside under a ladder as 13 black cats crossed my path
"I don't wanna be rude, but" = "I'm about to crush your day with the next thing that comes out of my mouth."
I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."
Honestly, I love every single some of you.......
You'd be so much more likeable if it wasn't for that hole in your face that the noises come out of.
Think of the saying "Your whole life has been leading up to this moment" a few times a day for a good laugh
Want to know the worst thing about yourself? Hang out with a kid for an hour, then ask them.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella felt at midnight.
It must be a long running gag in the candy industry to keep including the yellow ones in Starburst and Skittles.
Here's an idea: bottle your feelings, cork it, put it on the shelf, and wait for somebody who cares to come along.
I bet phone booths are disappearing because they don't want us escaping the Matrix.
Hate is like a placebo, it doesn't really help but it still makes you feel better.
"The Lion King" taught me that it's okay to oppress a group of people as long as they're different and laugh at inappropriate times.
Write the name of someone you hate on your body everyday in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.
Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the fuck man. We trusted you.
My life's ambition is to teach seagulls how to share.
I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately
I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but looking at your life, I'm convinced that you've already done a pretty good job of that.
I'm going to write a self help book, it'll have one line, "it's called 'self help' so do it your damn self."
I'm not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity.
I tried using chopsticks once but my American need to stab things eventually took over.
“People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” -Lemony Snicket
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. --Oscar Wilde
__
We’re sitting on a giant fucking rock that’s chasing a huge ball of fire that’s falling towards a black void that’s hurdling through space.
Clearly your mouth was intended for a much larger person.
Did you ever stop and marvel at how many people in this amazingly colorful and musical and breathtaking world of ours can't drive for shit?
Making pasta. I have a good feeling about this.
Always give credit where credit is helpful.
Sometimes I do nice things just to score a few positive adjectives in my eulogy.
The world is a meaningless anomaly and you are nothing but a sentient meat sack jumping from coincidence to coincidence. Goodnight!
“Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.” -- Norman Rice
You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.
It's hard to believe in myself when there's no evidence.
If time is money, and money is the root of all evil, then time is the root of all evil?
Don't trust anyone who goes out of their way to do anything for you.
Checked my gmail spam folder and found out I've won like 50 different foreign lotteries! Things are looking up!
I am the lifeless of the party.
If you take the time to listen to people you'll realize why most don't.
I may have already remembered everything I'm ever going to remember.
"Stay still. This is going to hurt." - The truth
"I just feel like you two are so alike" is always said about people who fucking hate each other.
Most of my stories end with, "and that's why we don't talk anymore."
"I'm not one of THOSE people." -Totally one of those people
I get so mad at myself when I like a commercial.
I think, therefore I shut the fuck up.
"No one includes me in on anything." - Batteries
I'm pretty tired for a guy who's had 8000 cups of coffee.
Falcor from "Neverending Story" was part dragon, part what? Yorkie? Maltese? His fur was greasy. Breeder shoulda gone Pomeranian.
Brain: Remind me again why we talk to him? Heart: I like him. Boobs: We like him too! Liver: *burp* Soul: Can't believe you guys sold me. :(
After I die please hide my body in a storage unit that's coming up for auction.
Wide awake on a Sunday night. Just how Monday morning wants it.
Everything happens for a reason. And the reason is so that someone can say "everything happens for a reason."
Never underestimate the power of people not believing in you.
Same shirt, different day.
Stop taking the little things for granted. If Super Mario ever saw just half of what you were dumping in that Coinstar™ he'd shit his pants.
I always procrastinate because if I die suddenly I don’t want my last day on Earth spent doing what I’m expected or supposed to be doing.
I feel the same way but I guess I'm a better liar.
Super busy. I have to forward this email to 20 people in 5 minutes or else a ghost will visit me tonight and my room is a mess.
i just thought of the saddest thing ever: a baby dragon trying to blow out the birthday candles on his cake
Wherever I go, I always arrive early so I have time to find parking, relax, and gaze into space while reflecting on my poor life choices
Didn't see any new snacks in my kitchen last time I checked. Maybe 300th time's a charm.
It's cute how the people you're texting with have no idea how much of an asshole you're being to everybody else.
How can babies do the same thing every night and still struggle against it? It's called A ROUTINE babies. Get your shit together.
Go ahead. Act a little crazy. You never know when your lawyer will want to use that as a defense.
How do you say "Shut the fuck up you feathery fag" in chirps?
Watching my son sleep makes me forget all about what a rabid demonic monkey on speed he'll be when he wakes up.
If you need tech support, tell them your name is Poonjabbi, half the hold time.
The $3 fee notice on ATMs should include "No," "Yes," and "Yes, but Fuck You."
The 4 Stages of Going Out: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself
Everyone needs to stop pretending to get along.
You can't possibly know what burdens other people are carrying, and that is an excellent reason not to be an asshole.
Always speak your mind. Don't be afraid to stir things up. Letting the sugar sit at the bottom of your coffee is gonna make it taste bitter.
There's a hole in my heart prescription drugs can't fill. Still, let's experiment.
My favorite four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.
If loving you is wrong, I've probably loved you.
I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.
Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
I can always count on you to be totally unreliable.
Look, I'm trying to rant here. Stop interrupting me with "facts" and "reason".
Lifestyle: The best way to avoid parking tickets is to remove your windshield wipers.
The closest I get to multitasking is ignoring more than one thing at a time.
I know misery loves company but please stop talking to me.
My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."
I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember.
Fault finding is like window washing. All the dirt seems to be on the other side.
Cell phones have completely ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If people would just stop being wrong, I wouldn't always have to be right.
It takes 50 muscles to frown. Good workout.
At the point I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of being overwhelmed.
I need to stop replying to text messages only in my head.
Things are so uneventful lately that when I die, I'm hoping someone else's life gets flashed before my eyes.
My girlfriend says I keep pushing her buttons...she's right, I'm looking for the "Mute" button!
I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me.
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. ~Pearl Bailey
One thing my dog and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~Herm Albright
Never put your own self worth in the hands of someone who values nothing.
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet. ~Ann Landers
It's as if children don't understand that sleep is fucking magical.
I figured out my problem...It's everybody else
My life would be easier if my blessings stopped wearing disguises.
Why isn't caffeinated toothpaste a thing?
Whenever I find myself driving behind a cop I pretend I am a princess & he's my police escort.
Your sense of entitlement makes me want to give you a sense of enstranglement.
I can't tell you how many headaches I've saved myself by not paying attention
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou
Keep treating me like a doormat and I’ll pull the fucking rug out from underneath you.
Sunday nights always feel like I'm preparing for a five day war.
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm.
Everyone has darkness in their lives, but without the shadows we wouldn't know we were standing in the light
Don't let yesterdays failures ruin the beauty of today. Because each day has its own promises.
Live each day as if everyone loves you because self-delusion is underrated as a coping mechanism.
Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ~Coco Chanel
If you can't excel with talent, triumph with effort. ~Dave Weinbaum
Sometimes, you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care but because they don't
Hell called. Your special place is ready.
Everything will be okay; maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in our lifetime, but eventually I think, or maybe not. It’s hard to say.
The problem with being a good listener is that people want to tell you stuff.
Most people are crazy. If you want a relationship you have to decide how much crazy is acceptable.
Don’t be afraid to dream. Reality’s not going anywhere.
This day got off to a bad start about 7 years ago.
Don’t judge my choices if you don’t understand my reasons.
fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moment but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.
I'm tired of caring for people who don't reciprocate. I'm worth the effort.
Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.
I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.
Sometimes it's not so much that I want to learn new things, it's that I can't stand not knowing them.
Never let your failures get to your heart, & never let your success get to your head.
Learn to appreciate what you have, before time forces you to appreciate what you had.
Sad that we live in a world where we have to be suspicious of people before we can trust them, instead of the other way around.
If it was up to me, it would not be up to me.
Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone in your life is meant to be there, but it doesn't mean they're meant to stay.
By the time we get to November, we're all just voting to make it stop.
We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.
Let's just call it like it is: I have a cold. We all just need to stay calm and do what we can to get me well.
One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
If God thinks I'm a bad person, He can tell me, not you.
I've made lots of mistakes in my past...but if you judge me on what I did in my past, then you have no reason being in my future.
Bad news. While you were busy feeding your ego, your soul died.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you.
Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid.
Enjoy today because there might not be a tomorrow. Sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs, and no second chances.
I never click "Remember Me" when signing in to things. Don't want my computer thinking I'm clingy.
Not only can't people handle the truth, but most of them suck at lie-handling too.
I'm still amazed by the number of people who not only expect everything to go their way but how easily they let it ruin their day.
For an emotion, anxiety sure does feel like someone tasing my Soul.
If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.
I feel the same way about having kids as I do about cooking. I'm capable of doing it, I just don't want to.
Having kids is like going to jail forever for fucking someone you love.
If the fate of the world ever rests on my husband arriving somewhere on time, we are all fucking doomed.
You will never become who you want to be if you keep blaming everyone else for who you are
I need a good nights sleep, but I'll settle for the one I'm going to get.
Nobody screws me up better than me.
We all make mistakes. Don't let that be the reason you give up on somebody.
There's no U in TEAM either, by the way.
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
Talking to me in the morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
If you feel you can't live without them, just remember you survived long before them.
DATING TIP: Sometimes the sparks are flying because you are scraping bottom.
Just took my first spin class. It was amazing, but I feel like we were all being tricked into generating power for something evil.
The early bird gets the worm. Also the bird that stayed up all night.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. Every single one of them deserved it.
You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely.
I bought myself an oscillating fan. Because I like to be comfortable. Twelve percent of the time.
I get "1st world" and "3rd world," but what's the 2nd world, Canada?
When someone texts 'ROFL' I always imagine Scooby-Doo trying to say 'waffle'.
I'm fairly certain I could be arrested at any moment for being a Serial Time Killer.
Friendship means understanding, not agreement. It means forgiveness, not forgetting. It means the memories last even if the contact is lost.
I took a multi-vitamin but there's still only one of me.
It's not attention deficit disorder, it's mental multitasking.
I'm probably just as crazy as I think everyone else is.
Ever notice everybody who's ever said "correct me if I'm wrong" has never been right?
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening. Be yourself like no one's judging.
Don't believe everything you read online. Except this. This feels legit.
I always sleep on a sack of knives in case a pillow fight breaks out.
After 2 years of marriage, your wife turns into Angelica from the Rugrats.
You can't lose what you never had, you can't keep what's not yours & you can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stay
If you make your outgoing message the sound of a fax machine connecting, it really cuts down on your voice mail.
Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.
True love is talking to someone 2 feet from an outlet because your phone is dead.
“Swings both ways” is redundant. They’re swings, that’s what they do. Swings that don’t go both ways aren’t swings… they’re slingshots.
At what age does it change from 'pretending' to 'lying'?
If you're important to someone, you'll never have to guess. Their actions will tell you everything you need to know.
Appreciate those who love you. Help those who need you. Forgive those who hurt you. Forget those who leave you.
As you waste your breath complaining about life, Someone out there is breathing their last. Appreciate what you have...
Has anyone figured out what they put in those salon capes that makes our faces itch 2 minutes into a haircut?
You were born to be real, not to be perfect. You are here to be you, not to live someone else's life.
Don't forget to pray tonight because God didn't forget to wake you up this morning.
My car's GPS has started sighing before she says, "Recalculating."
Don't confuse the people who are always around with the ones who are always there.
What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.
You're everything I've ever wanted in a vague acquaintance.
Your life. Your choices. Your problems. Your mistakes. Your lessons. Not THEIR business.
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
WARNING: If you do it right the first time, they'll ask you to do it again.
I'll be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.
The day I realized I could be anything was the day I decided to be mediocre and completely okay with it.
You do realize that you can keep SOME of your thoughts to yourselves, right?
"If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed."
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Someone tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.
The more you know, the less you listen.
Real people remind me a little of actors.
I'd interact with people a lot more if they didn't interact back.
You know you’re aging when you have more items in your grocery cart that cure you than feed you.
What's written: Do not touch. What we read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Real bears and gummy bears should consider trading sizes.
Tomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.
My regrets are limited to the things I did and the things I didn't do.
If there's a Hell, Kidz Bop has to be playing on a loop.
We're all just walking tanks of coffee, trying to get stuff done.
Ever stop and think how much of your life is ahead of you, then break out in a cold sweat?
Actually, your driver's license photo is pretty much how you look to everyone else.
Every time I put my socks in the dryer it's like a caged, death match. "Two go in, one comes out."
My cat is so evil, she should be stroking a tiny person.
I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock so hard it's going to file for domestic abuse.
You are not special. There is no plan for you. Nothing happens for a reason. Just try not to die and shut up.
You learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than at the beginning.
Look at your hand. That fucking thing would totally smack you if you let it.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think we're gonna have an indoor baby.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.
Your ex asking to be friends after a break up is like... Kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go.
BREAKING NEWS: You are just as perfect as the Universe intended you to be, which is, yes, pretty fucking sad.
If everyone you meet every day is an asshole, the problem is, you're an asshole.
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
From now on I'm letting my entire life go to voicemail.
I'm really fucking nice until I want to rip your head off. Then, I'm still nice, but I want to rip your fucking head off.
If it actually rained cats and dogs, most of the cats would survive, which is unfortunate.
Don't judge me until you've stumbled a mile in my shoes.
Sorry gals, but after the 3rd and 4th picture retake, you need to accept that's just what your face and body look like.
i was going to do something constructive with my day today but then internet
I'd so do something with my life if wasting it didn't feel so damn good.
Revenge? Nah, I’m too lazy. I’m gonna sit here and let karma f*ck you up.
Bullying Needs to Stop. Dislike everyone equally.
BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don't have to be an asshole about it.
A bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.
Watching someone I once knew drown in the person they wanted to be.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
So much time wasted, and still some left to waste.
Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say "I don't negotiate with terrorists."
Life is full of disappointments and I'm full of life.
The next time I see a mouse, I'm gonna leave some rags and ribbon out overnight. If I don't have a ballgown by morning, I'll set traps.
In any 50/50 situation, I will lose 100% of the time.
It's a fact that 99% of the people who visit an Emergency Room are people who say, "Hey, guys! Watch me! This is going to be so cool."
I liked you so much better before I found out who you really are.
Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand.
Never put your own self worth in the hands of someone who values nothing.
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.
It's not you. It's just carbon-based life forms in general.
Collection agency just sent me a final notice. Thank god, I'm tired of ignoring all their phone calls.
If it's not one thing, it's another. Or it could be a third thing. Or all three at once.
I just did a big favor for someone and feel really good about it. It's just nice to know that someone out there owes me something.
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE THE YOUNGEST YOU ARE EVER GOING TO BE AGAIN.
Coffee is the drug dealer for my eyelids: "Hook me up, man. I just wanna get open!"
"I had more fun when I was younger." -Me, lying to myself
The best way to ensure I'll be rushing to work at the last possible minute is to get up early and leave myself plenty of time.
It's not past mistakes that haunt me, it's the mistakes that I've yet to make that keeps me awake nights.
No matter how good or bad you think life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life. Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive.
Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"
Misplace the occasional, comma to drive people crazy.
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
The "check engine" light came on, so I did. Yep. Still there.
Calling me "socially awkward" makes it seem like there's a place where I'm not awkward.
I've spent all day getting ready to go back thousands of years. (I'm camping)
I'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.
You are like a dream to me. I forget pretty much everything about you a few minutes after seeing you.
Honestly, I don't have time to hate people who hate me cause I'm too busy loving people who love me.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then.
Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
If you're trying to improve your memory, lend someone money.
My shrink said I was "severely paranoid" but would someone so mentally ill be able to uncover a vast government conspiracy?
I'd like to send my regrets everywhere I'm expected to go.
Either I have allergies or my soul is leaking out of my eyes
Can old people get their own driving lane/grocery store already?
It's never too late to start. Which is why I'm putting it off till tomorrow.
Accidentally eating a black jelly bean is like a terrorist attack in your mouth.
If you need to feel crazy, try to explain to someone not in your family why you're mad at your mom.
English teachers put more thought into novels than the authors do.
“Let’s pick a random year in the future to fuck with people’s heads.”
- Mayans
I'm going on three straight days of insomnia. If I don't get any sleep soon I'm pretty sure I'll be awake.
Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
Don't ask me to remind you to do anything.
You know what? Don't. And while you're at it. Stop.
I'm so tired of insomnia.
Got a parking ticket. It's like no matter how hard I try, I simply can't escape my criminal lifestyle.
I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now
Having my iPod on shuffle around friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for me.
No part of a phone plan sounds more terrifying to me than "unlimited talk."
"Why won't you just tell me what you want?" -My iPod on shuffle
Fell asleep at 11:30 and woke up after an hour. Excited to get a head start on my day!
People are like fish. Neither would get into trouble if they only kept their mouths shut.
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
People who get pissed every night feel like shit every morning.
The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle. -Stapp’s Ironical Paradox
Bed is a bundle of paradoxes; we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; and we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
17 hours of sustained wakefulness can lead to a decrease in physical and mental performance equivalent to a blood alcohol level of 0.05% (legally drunk)
Any organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The more you talk about how others are, the more others learn about how you are.
what do i have to do to get sentenced to house arrest it can't be that hard
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Dorothy Nevill
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. ~Ambrose Bierce
If you could hear me, I would tell you, that our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we've touched.
Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever, finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia
If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will. -Abraham Lincoln
I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. -Abraham Lincoln
When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.
If someone in your life talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have left them long ago.
Don't let yourself be so angry that you stop loving. because one day you'll wake up from that anger, and the person you love, will be gone.
Sometimes, you'll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
You should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living. Because it is the ones with the sorest throats who have done the most singing.
Next time your in a silent elevator ride with a stranger, turn to her and say, "I'm sorry we're fighting."
Of course I'm self-centered. What am I supposed to be, you-centered?
I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.
Never do anything an inanimate object tells you to do. For example, your alarm clock.
I'm not needy. I'm wanty.
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dear life. When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
Next time someone won't shut up, start singing "finish talking" to "Frère Jaques". This will work.
Just got a stain on my shirt but it's ok because life is meaningless.
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… Because if you're good at lying, you're good at everything.
"I don't know what her problem is" is often said by the one who caused it.
Facebook is like eavesdropping on the most boring conversation on earth.
Tickling is laughter rape.
If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.
Give me one good reason why a penguin wouldn't be a great pet, and then shut up because you're a liar.
At fast food drive-thrus I always tell the guy at the second window that the guy at the first window was talking shit about him.
I just threw the tangled pile of Christmas lights in the yard and plugged them in. Fuck it
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Lately I've been using this great new stress relief technique that I call "Freaking The Fuck Out."
"I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win.
The smallest minds always have the biggest mouths.
Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk. They should be called holdie-noisies.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
Just pulled a muscle reaching a new low.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
"Well, I should probably let you go" is how I begin every phone conversation in my head.
It takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.
Heartbreak is when the one that got away calls you the one that got away.
It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I don't need to do today the things I need to do today.
You may be the star of your own life but you're just an extra in mine so stop looking at the fucking camera.
"is in a relationship" has inspired many a "fuck, no way."
Ideally, I'd like to have two kids. One favorite, and one for organs.
This Halloween I'm going to scare neighborhood children by jumping out from the bushes and explaining the college loan process to them.
No matter how bad you think your day is going remember that there are people out there with face tattoos
Love is patient, love is kind. Answer my texts in less than a minute or I'll kill you.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
This memory foam had better keep it's fuckin' mouth shut!
You can't honestly expect me to stop my car everytime I hit something
There's sad, and there's Kmart sad
Fast food workers should be required to say "Eww." as they hand you your order.
Morning radio DJs are just reading the Internet to old people
I already hate tomorrow and everyone in it
I love when people drive ten miles under the speed limit like WE'RE NOT INCHING TOWARD THE GRAVE WITH EACH PASSING MINUTE.
"Good morning!" - me, lying
My problem is I don’t like working out in front of people or when I’m alone.
Really whenever I get up is "too early."
When your limbs fall asleep that's death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.
Thanks but I don't need help in your store or any other store. I've been in a ton of stores. I know how they work.
Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not.
Most of my life feels like i'm down a touchdown and there's 48 seconds on the clock.
I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."
It's a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers
I’m not procrastinating; it’s just that I haven’t finished doing nothing yet.
If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.
When someone's apology is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," they're actually saying, "I couldn't be less sorry, but here, have some bullshit."
If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already pissed off.
For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
FACEBOOK HAS ISSUED A WEATHER WHINING WARNING, IN EFFECT UNTIL NOON FRIDAY.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I better get up. My day isn't going to fuck up itself.
Get the lint roller. The cat is absolutely *covered* in cat hair.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I will release you as soon as I find The Keymaster or if you find the exits, that's cool too.
The best part about waking up is the falling and being asleep beforehand.
i'm not sure i cooked this chicken all the way through but you know i've had a good life
I have some time to kill, but not enough to dispose of the bodies.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap on my patio. Like he sat there and thought about it.
I hope aliens come down when there's a democrat in the white house otherwise, space war.
Yes, other people are annoying. But to everyone else in the world, you are other people.
Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.
Happiness keeps you sweet. Trials keep you strong. Sorrows keep you human. Failures keep you humble. And God, keeps you going.
Don't confuse caring enough to complain with caring enough to do something about it.
Remember when you thought you'd have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? HAHAHA!
"Sounds like you've got a cold!" is right up there with "You look exhausted!" for Insults Disguised As Small Talk.
Beware of large numbers of people dressed alike. Yes, even choirs.
If you're not nervous you need to pay more attention.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.
Optimist:The glass is half full. Pessimist:The glass is half empty. Conspiracy theorist:The government is hoarding the water!
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time. But you can fool yourself anytime.
I always give 110 percent, but I spread it out over five days.
Visiting my grandmother reaffirmed that I am the smartest, nicest, handsomest and most talented young man alive.
It's already too late to do everything you could have done.
If God didn't want me to yell, he wouldn't have given me a mouth or children.
Why do dogs always think the knock at the door is for them?
If you're good at throwing over fences, everything can become your neighbor's problem.
Burning things down, in a wonderful way.
We kill time until time kills us.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Just saw a commercial for California, so I called up and bought it. Get out.
Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.
The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.
Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a queen.
Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.
#myweakness is always forgiving people who don't deserve it, just because I miss having them in my life.
I invented this super cool handshake but I don't think I blended it long enough
"Is THAT what I really sound like?" - everyone listening to themselves on tape AND FOR GOOD REASON WE ALL SOUND LIKE MONSTERS
A piñata is a great way to show your kids that violently beating something with a stick has its rewards.
Every guy I know whose "heart was in the right place" had his dick in the wrong place
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
The glass is always cleaner on the other side.
If I had a dollar for every time I left my debit card in an ATM machine...it wouldn't matter because now I can't get any cash out.
"I know my recent weight gain has left a lot of people feeling hurt & confused." - imaginary press conference I'm holding right now
I make a lot of mental notes, but I never (ever) read them.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...seriously what's your problem, why can't we just hang out
History is an island. Humanity is Gilligan.
You win again, time. I should maybe stop picking this fight.
I can’t remember what it felt like to be in love with you. I just know that something’s missing.
I'm not voting for anyone who doesn't have at least 5 letters in their first name
I've spent the day baby-proofing the house. No baby is getting in here. No sir-ee. Don't trust 'em. Not one bit.
Negotiations with myself always end with me putting cheese on something and eating a midnight snack.
Most things don't matter, problem is things that do matter hide among them, trying to blend in.
No offense, 4 a.m., but I'm fucking sick of hanging out with you.
Do your feet ever hurt from kicking so much ass?
Mock war, not love.
The naked truth is always better than someone's best dressed lie.
Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.
As a measurement of cuteness, I feel like we could probably do better than buttons.
The best part of waking up is not.
Nothing freaks people out more than being told, "Stay calm, there's no need to panic."
These food stamps taste terrible.
Why is it alcohol can kill brain cells but, not fat cells?
I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get jealous thinking that someone could make you happier than I could.
If you have to demand respect, you probably don't deserve it.
Dear Users, I appreciate your kind attitude towards other keys! But why do you press all keys softly & hit me with your full power? Sincerely, Enter Key
Dear 3rd cup of coffee: you weren't my first love, but you made my heart beat fastest.
I doubt anyone would follow him again, but still -- I would probably kill zombie Hitler first.
Always give without remembering and always receive without forgetting. ~Brian Tracy
With my luck, I'll be that one guy they shoot in the head during a hostage situation just to show that they're "not fucking around."
Just ignore me. That's what I do.
Magic is something you make.
Never give someone your all because when they are gone, you have nothing.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
Time is the cruelest teacher; first she gives the test, then teaches the lesson. ~Katharine Hepburn
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
The secret with police is, they won't leave until they think they've made you do something.
Do not base your happiness upon the deeds of others.
Zero tolerance policies are way too soft on zeroes.
I'm of sound body and never mind.
Me to the teen; "I'll call your 'because everybody else is' and raise you a 'because I said so.'"
If there was an app like Shazam, but for people's faces, that told me who I'm talking to and how I know them, I'd use that shit all the time
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own
Tomorrow's forecast is a spinning sun and one cloud. I'm pretty excited.
If you’re looking for a helping hand, there’s one right at the end of your arm.” –Adam Christing
Sadly, lobbyists are not mellow dudes who hang out in lobbies.
Some people are going to leave, but that's not the end of your story. That's the end of their part in your story. ~Unknown
"Laughter is the best medicine." -- my health insurer
Time for bed. My sleep number is up
Pretty much every room I'm in is a panic room.
I think my bank account is being Punk'd.
You probably shouldn't throw stones in regular houses either.
Dear Coca Cola, we're aware of you. Spend money on other stuff.
Penises and vaginas get really excited for people who are bad for our brains.
When I finally hit rock bottom I decided to stay there.
I wish you could buy a AAA policy with "lifeside assistance."
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you'd never lose it.
A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.
Automatic bathroom faucets and paper towel dispensers mostly just automatically never fucking work.
If someone says "excellent question" they're basically saying "you're great at being an idiot"
i wish people would get a notification when i unlike them in real life
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Everyone who is older than you is smarter than you in at least one regard, even if it's only what it's like to be older than you.
The great arises out of the small things that are honored and cared for. ~ Unknown
Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be. ~ John Wooden
I sign all my emails with "And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it."
Circumstances don't defeat you - you defeat yourself when you give up. ~Jonathan Lockwood
Lies are like a layer cake, once you've made one, it stays until it all falls together.
Sometimes you can do everything well but that doesn't guarantee everything will turn out right.
Death is scary, sure, but I don't actively dwell on it! Like I'll cross that bridge when I jump off it...
I don't need easy, I just need possible. ~ Bethany Hamilton
"Is it shitty enough that I have to do something about it; or shitty but I'd rather be lazy and tolerate it than ever be happy?" --Humankind
By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. ~ Unknown
As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.
The best app invented would electric shock you when you tried to call an ex.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. ~ Wayne Dyer
A lot of children think their parents are all no-ing.
Good morning: If things around you dont change,, change the thing you're around..
Of all losses, time is the most irrecuperable for it can never be redeemed. ~Henry VIII of England
Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. ~Roald Dahl
Why the fuck isn't W called double V?
There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs. ~Unknown
I don't think you should get in trouble for something that comes out of your mouth if you look as surprised as the person you said it to.
No, I didn't get the memo. I've never gotten a memo.
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
The moon doesn't shine. It merely basks in the glow of its popular cousin.
Learn from the moon, even though it's alone, it is still shining bright. ~ Unknown
We all know someone that suffers from a lack of substance abuse.
Fingers are the best part of a chicken.
If you only have eyes for me, you'll have to do better. Because this will cost you an arm and a leg.
The first donut goes by so fast I usually eat a second one to make sure I had a first one
If you ever take anything I say to heart.. Here is your one: Never fool yourself into believing that your life can't get any worse.
We have ways of making you talk. What we really need is a way to make you shut up.
So long as we are under the control of disturbing emotions, real happiness is hard to find.
It was nice of Apple to invent a mirror I can send emails with.
The word “bedtime” is like a Red Bull for my children. #help
As kids, we're afraid of monsters living under the bed. As adults, we're afraid of them living in the White House.
"The only thing worse than missing someone, is wondering what there was to miss."
You think you can take me, tough guy? I'd like to see you try. Seriously, anywhere fun you might be going. Take me with.
Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Oh yeah? Then why is unsliced bread more expensive?
The nice thing about living in a small town is if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
I feel like I'm always in line for things I don't even want to do. #flying
Today is a good day, even if it is in disguise. ~unknown
When you put your open soda can back in the fridge, you're only fooling yourself.
I pity anyone who celebrates someone else's shortcomings. What a terrible life, to constantly have to compare yourself to others.
I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
In a loud bar, I hate having to shout my half-assed observations as if they are convictions for which I am willing to die.
People who say “I can’t complain” simply aren’t trying hard enough.
just ordered a loaded baked potato really hope it comes staggering out of the kitchen & just passes out in my mouth
Some people devote their life to a cause, yet have no effect.
I Always Learn From The Mistake Of Others Who Take My Advice
If you want a free phone just follow me around for like an hour
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Q. How is man like a snowstorm? A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, of how long it'll stay.
Hope is the little voice you hear whispering "maybe" when the entire world is shouting "no". ~ Unknown
One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.. ~ James Earl Jones
People worry too much about finding the right one, when they ought to be worrying about being the right one.
Everything means nothing unless someone cares. ~Leon Traazil
If you want the world to be a better place, contribute one good human being to it...yourself.
doing laundry, aka The Eternal Struggle.
I'm a gangsta napper.
Whenever someone tells me I'm stupid I tell them it's pronounced "stupendous".
I have an alarmed clock. It has a nervous tic and a nervous toc.
If its never dark, you can never see the stars. ~ Syed Zahir
Evidently, my admirers are all secret.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
If someone leaves you just to see if you'll follow them, don't.
Americans aren't stupid. We're storing all this fat so we can hibernate through the next ice age.
Being responsible doesn't always feel good, but being irresponsible always feels bad. ~Leon Traazil
I'm so awesome, my dreams follow me.
You try to follow your dreams, but then they speed through a yellow light and don't even stop to wait for you! Dreams are jerks.
Respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. ~Unknown
One kid I can handle, no problem. Maybe even two or three. More than that can be a challenge, especially when they coordinate their attacks.
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. No, seriously it's your duty as a human to alert others if inanimate objects are coming to life
Him: "I'd go through anything for you." Her: "Just the door will do fine."
We may not know how long the tunnel is, but we know there will be light at the end of it.
You make me embarrassed to be human.
Sit up straight. You're crushing your internal organs.
If you repeat chapters, the ending will never change.
Thanks to Facebook's "People I May Know" section, I get a constant reminder of "People I Want Nothing To Do With."
Life is like Life cereal; it gets all shitty and mushy too quickly.
It's a good thing our tongues aren't delicious.
Such a great day. So glad to be alive. Feeling really thankful for everything right now. ONLY problem is we're all going to die.
almost time to call it a nyquil
There will never be a day when I will have to remember you, because there was never a day that I forgot you ~Rune Lockhart
Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
I'd like to thank Intervention for making me feel like I got a handle on things.
Most of modern adult life is a 24/7 Underwhelmathon.
I've been stuck in the same awkward pause since 1997.
I wish you could sue the weather.
Just get the Allstate mayhem guy instead of filming him. He's right in front of you. Idiots.
Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. ~ Dalai Lama
I checked myself but then, very methodically and intentionally, I wrecked myself.
Let's go someplace where we can each be alone.
I sleep a lot because I get tired of myself.
I always make an effort to see both sides of an argument: mine, and that ignorant asshole's.
To save money, all of America's TV shows should merge into "Murder-Solving Toddler Housewives of Cake."
Say what you will about reality TV, but pretty sure we do a better job of picking top chefs and models than we do leaders.
Children should be seen and not had.
I am man hear me mumble.
Researchers have discovered that people will believe anything that you tell them researchers have discovered.
My eyes hurt. I am looking too much. I am looking all the time. There is no other option until I go to sleep.
Well cookies, I know you're there and you know I know you're there. It's really only a matter of time now, isn't it?
If time is money, I need to borrow a few weeks.
Everyone here loves you because they don't really know you.
If you go to China pick me up a baby.
Government of the people, by the people and for the people can leave you running in horror from the people.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result but I still get up every morning.
Sorry, actors. If you're not a pregnant teen, an addict, a hoarder, a trophy wife or a chef...chances of you getting on TV don't look good.
Awkwardly is spelled awkwardly.
It’s hard to keep up with what I’m not doing.
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for a culture of entitled white American children who are systematically fed a diet of high fructose corn syrup.
Everyone is a dreamer when they are kid, the hardest thing is still dreaming when you're an adult.
I'm so poor, I can't even afford to window shop.
Having somebody help you doesn't mean you fail, it just means that you're not in it alone.
I've never killed anyone for the same reason I've never done heroin; pretty sure I'd like it too much.
I'm constantly getting mad at people for getting mad at stuff.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there.
Thought I often have around people: Maybe I'm not people.
When you think you're not happy with your life, always remember that someone is happy simply because you exist.
We encourage you to retort your relative's judgements with this phrase: "Your pants ain't that fucking fancy, Fancypants motherfucker."
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.
I wish mold didn't like the same foods I do.
Life is a wilderness of twists & turns, where faith is your only compass. ~Paul Santaguida
Lies don’t end relationships, the truth usually does.
All I think about is how I think I spend too much of my time thinking about how I think about things, I think.
I think we're on the same page, but why do you insist on reading it backwards?
You'd be surprised how much time it can take to do absolutely nothing.
I ate those chips like there was no tomorrow...because for those chips, there wasn't.
Any time a leader speaks of "Enemies of the People," the enemy is the people.
Google Maps will not tell you where it all went wrong.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. -Benny Hill
I just killed a man with a single glare. He's not dead yet, but some day he will be.
When life hands you brown, rotting, shitty bananas, make banana bread.
My daydream solution to organizing my house is always arson.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.
Do dogs just think they're wearing necklaces?
I am extremely disappointed that so few of you respond to my telepathic commands.
If I had a dime for every time I've exaggerated I'd have, like, a trillion dollars by now.
You don't get a cat. You end up with a cat.
When you're down and out remember... God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.~George B. Shaw
Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you. ~Stephanie Klein
I find that I'm really good with other people as long as I get twenty-two hours of alone time per day.
Life is too ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Not exactly starting with a bang, is it?
Instead of wiping your tears, wipe away the people who created them.
Sometimes I feel like people don't even consider my schedule when they get into car accidents
I don't like to repeat gossip. But, really, what else can you do with it?
The number one cause of divorce is wanting somewhere to send the kids every other weekend.
If you've got nowhere to turn, just keep going straight.
Follow your passion, follow your heart, and the things you need will come... ~ Elizabeth Taylor
Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue. ~ Eugene O'Neill
"I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.
Lately, I'm wondering how bad four years with no president would be.
i hope a bear never sneaks into my house because my first reaction would be to snuggle.
Money can't buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.
Why does everything take longer than my attention span?
Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.
Pray for peace, people everywhere. Or, if you're more practically-minded, just try not attacking anyone.
Santa is a fucking cunt. He gives more expensive gifts to the wealthier children.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I want to be the person you hate to see coming then hate to see going.
Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. ~ Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert A. Heinlein
Turns out there's not a nice way for me to tell my mom she's being a fucking asshole.
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.
I'm a creature of habit. All bad.
You know who's actually really wrong a lot is you
If you leave without a reason, do not come back with an excuse.
It's very telling that no matter how much you love someone, you always love them more when you see them asleep.
"Destiny" is a nobler way of saying "a bunch of shit that happened".
If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
No matter what I do, I'm always peeking through the same eye holes from inside the same head. I consider this a design flaw.
Portions of life not affecting the outcome have been edited out of my memory.
If I saw a Lexus with a red ribbon around it I'd go slash its fucking tires.
"Don't get your hopes up" applies to everything ever.
People wouldn't have to rejoice if they joiced properly the first time.
I can't think of anything I'd do with a time machine that doesn't involve committing some sort of crime.
Dogs and men always look guilty of something. This explains the friendship.
People love to pretend they can't hear you, but the minute you say something rude under your breath, those ears are fucking supersonic.
I used to have credit problems then I changed my phone number...credit problem solved.
Can you keep a secret? Good.. so can I.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. ~George Bernard Shaw
Present Me is always taking revenge on Future Me for bullshit that Past Me did.
Just because you miss someone, doesn't mean they belong in your life.
Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by. And now I'm trapped in a snowdrift surrounded by wolves.
i need to find a self defense class to defend against myself
You are not what people call you, you are what you answer to.
I don't have time for self-loathing. Fortunately, I have plenty of people who are willing to do it for me
You can't break promises! They're only IMAGINARY!
My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
Hey. I'm going to sleep now. Good night. I love you. Well, some of you. You know who you are. I hope you do. I'm not allowed to name names
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It means you value your relationships more than your ego.
Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, y'all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, b*tches
I'm at the point where the first thing to go wrong is the last straw.
The time I spend counting how many hours of sleep I'll get if I fall asleep right now, is more math than I ever did in school.
There’s nothing wrong in making mistakes, what’s wrong is letting it stay as a mistake without the effort of making it right.
"Hope nobody exposes me for the fraud I truly am today!" -Everyone
A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.
Just because it was an honest mistake doesn't mean it wasn't stupid.
Only love lets us see normal things in an extraordinary way.
are we still caring about things or can i stop now i'm tired
I only have a Facebook to see where everyone is at, so I can avoid running into them.
why is it considered a psychiatric problem when someone wants to commit suicide? haven't doctors ever been to target on a saturday?
Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.
I can't bear negative people, or as I call them nope addicts.
When someone says, "long story short," after they've already been talking too long, I like to say, "Nice try, asshole."
Half of me is like "Just put pants on and see what happens." The other half is like "No, we tried that yesterday and look what happened."
Some of you people are a little too self-aware. (You know who you are.)
Don't judge a book by it's cover. Or do, what do I care.
No one ever tells you what you CAN shake a stick at.
kind of a dick move putting sharks in the ocean god
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world
Life is a beach. Build sandcastles while you can. They'll wash away but you'll have had fun making them instead of staring at the sand.
How did that one kid in kindergarten who hit people and threw tantrums and made everybody miserable grow up to be half the adult population?
Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is I'm not very good at My job.
Tuesday is a generous second helping of Monday.
I'm about to sleep the shit outta this bed.
Oh = Just Stop talking to me . K = Im done talking . Whatever = F#ck you . Fine = F#ck it . I guess = I dont really give a f#ck .
I never fell in love with you. I just fell. #iwtfy
I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Maybe your definition of black-out drinking is what's problematic. Maybe I'm proactive about brain cell turnover, ever think of that?
Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?
Ultimately, nobody notices, so do whatever you want to do in life.
I'm having trouble taking myself seriously.
If they ever lock you away in a padded room, just pretend it's one of those fun bouncy houses for kids. Should be easy, since you're crazy.
Internet, you've made a compelling argument. Sleep: present your case.
Alcohol has magical powers. It can turn a couch into a bed.
Remember, on the first Christmas people bought a total of three gifts. And they were last-minute. And two of them sucked.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff.
Love is not about how much you say "I love you", but how much you can prove that it's true.
Listening is the simultaneous exercise of both hearing and giving a shit.
We're all born optimists. But then life happens.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: What, I gotta do your job for you now?
Large groups of stupid people can accomplish stupid things that an individual stupid person can only stupidly dream of.
I'm a pretty aggressive, left-lane driver for someone who's terrified for every moment of it.
WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.
Don't ask me to remind you to do anything.
I am so sick of doing things.
I'm now pointing my missiles (finger) at russia (myself) because they (I) have (am) gone (really) too (really) far (awesome).
"That went well." - me, at least once in my life, probably
I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.
You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time, it's not a mistake, it's a choice.
I always want to be the person you're texting under the table and not the boring asshole sitting across from you.
People care about you. They want you around. Even if it doesn't always feel like it.
I think he spends most of his time finding ways to avoid spending his time on work.
If I accidentally forget to call and you flip out, I retroactively didn't call on purpose.
thanks for being tiny heating blankets, laptops
I just realized: Everything I put in my body will either come back out (gross) or stay in there forever (way grosser)
In life, as in eating, always bite off more than you can chew...that's what napkins are for.
I'd like to die in my sleep, so if you find me bleeding to death somewhere, will you gently push a Lunesta down my throat?
Spiders are the most amazing, delicate, beautiful things I murder without even thinking about it.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
i would like oprah more if she had given all those cars to homeless people or me
Not nearly enough people have been punched today.
Its better to have a life of 'oh wells' than a life of 'what ifs'.
Children are too low to the ground to ever be clean.
They say marijuana ruins your memory, but I can't recall a single thing I don't remember.
I love the affectionate little "Don't worry, friend, I'll pet your head and make it okay" thing cops do as they put you in the cruiser.
"Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?" -- Steven Wright
olive garden's endless soup salad & bread sticks is a LIE i went back this morning & was flatly denied this is an outrage
Nothing makes me feel healthier than reading the potential side affects list of the medicine I was supposed to take.
Everything goes wrong at once.
Just told my 5-year-old son, “Don’t lie, Santa doesn’t like that.”
Sometimes I’ll imagine that a total stranger is mad at me, but then I realize that’s ridiculous. Of course I’m not imagining it.
“Long story short” = fuck this story
Ask yourself if you're really helping or just trying to award yourself good-person points.
I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.
Think about it too long, you'll forget why it matters.
"Normal" people are ones you don't know very well.
My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.
what do i have to do to get sentenced to house arrest it can't be that hard
At my house, multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Some people are like clouds. Once they move on, it's a great day.
Don't know why my wife owns a sewing machine if she won't let me make the kids sew shoes.
Sunday is the mosquito leaving the tent, swollen with your blood.
Sharks kill about 10 humans every year. About 100 people die per year when they are stepped on by cows.
The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and miss it, but we aim too low and reach it. ~Michelangelo
Things have certainly been on my mind lately.
Marijuana should be decriminalized and then recriminalized an hour later because man, would it be funny watching people freak out.
People who try to make you think you're not good enough, secretly know that they're the ones who aren't good enough.
Cocaine dealers are always sticking their business in other people's noses.
Politicians always think we're sitting around the dinner table talking about stuff.
Tomorrow you might meet the person you'll wind up hating for the rest of your life, so dress appropriately.
"The enemies of the future are always the very nicest people." -- Christopher Morley
Wine comes from grapes and vodka’s just fermented potatoes yet you say I need MORE fruits and veggies. Are you even a real doctor?
italy's economy is in turmoil which only means one thing we have to eat all of the pizza here i'll start #helping
Combat the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) with plenty of tropical drinks!
get out there & be positive today everybody! i mean not HIV positive if you can help it but you know
Decisions are made when we're tired of thinking.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
At this point we're all just fighting over who gets the nicer view of the world burning.
People will put up with a lot of crap, but if you respond to someone's text with, "k" you have just crossed a line.
Despite all my rage I am still just a person in a situation.
If you told me the cheese puffs I'm eating were poisoned I would probably still keep eating them.
I hate places that let you choose your own toppings yet refuse to top off my sandwich with crisp hundred dollar bills.
It feels good to hear someone say "Take care". But it feels so much better to hear someone say "I will take care of you."
Those who can't forget are worse off than those who can't remember.
I don't deal well with good-byes. I'm better with good-riddances.
I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Anyway, don't forget to vote!
Another day of saying stuff I don't mean and thinking stuff I don't say.
Life is just an 'f' in lie.
Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, shit. They found out."
Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing.
Hey, that isn't God talking. It's you, thinking.
More often than not, a paycheck is compensation for putting up with bullshit.
I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who knows what they're talking about.
A lot of people are lucky they don't see their personalities when they look in the mirror.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I do my best acting when I'm in a public place pretending I didn't see someone I know.
People who don't leave messages know their call is bullshit.
Thought about walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.
I have this reoccurring nightmare called a job.
The exact translation of "We'll just agree to disagree" is "You couldn't be more f**king wrong but I'm over this discussion."
Guys go out drinking to get girls. Girls go out drinking to get 2 double cheeseburgers and a 5 piece McNugget at 3AM.
Choose your facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing.
It always seems that people who bring nothing to the table take the most from it.
Attitude is like your underwear; you must wear it, but never show it.
"Don't do something permanently stupid just because you're temporarily upset."
No one else knows how to be you. All they can tell you is how to be more like them.
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~James Baldwin
You can never have enough of what you don't need.
Drugs make people sit down in weird places.
It's times like these that make me long for times like those.
I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.
Need a memory card I can attach to my brain.
A smart girl knows how to love. A smarter one knows who to love.
Justin Credible? I've got some people he should meet: Hugh Cares and R. U. Fuckingkiddingmewiththis.
6 BILLION people on Earth and I'm me.
I slept in today. For those of you with kids "sleeping in" is laying in bed unconscious for an extended period of time without interruption.
I'm like a book I can't put down.
At least I'm rich in poverty.
just found out i have an extra hour to get ready & i can guarantee you i'll still be late
:( sad sandwich ):
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
There should be a "5 Second Rule" for when you offend someone so you can take it back.
Sometimes life's Hell. But hey, whatever gets the marshmallows toasty.
~J. Andrew Helt
God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die.
With all the deductions from my paycheck, my take-home pay barely survives the trip.
I've had a spectacular day. It was in 1998, I think.
I'm super laid back until anything.
Water is just coffee that hasn't reached it's full potential.
I say we give every homeless person in America free bagpipes until the problem is solved.
It's not that I don't want to live in the moment. I just want to live in a *different* moment.
I don't know what I want to do more. Nothing or everything.
I'm just smart enough to be frustrated with how dumb I am.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine
Age is just a number... yeah, and jail is just a room.
My last Balance Update from the bank only said LOL.
I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is I won.
It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.
I don't believe in laundry segregation.
I spend all my time finding new ways to waste it.
For the record, killing two birds with two stones is still pretty amazing.
If you don't stop squabbling, Barack Obama is going to turn this car around right now.
Today the day siezed me.
I can never tell if Eminem is yelling with me or at me.
I tell people exactly what I think. Silently.
Oh cool, a flat tire. That's good, cuz I didn't just buy the tire last month and things are going really well in general.
"Good thing that thing that's true of most people isn't true of me" - most people
Homeless people aren’t nearly as depressing if you just think of them as really ambitious campers.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.
It never ceases to amaze me how many words are required for politicians to say nothing.
If you consistently have the same problem with multiple individuals, maybe you should explore something called the "common denominator".
I'd mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting.
"I don't wanna brag but--" Yes. Yes you do- and here you go!
I was supposed to be better at doing things by now.
I’m as happy as a clam. Wait. Are clams really happy?
Ironically, it's the getting ahead that I'm running behind on.
Time is that quality of nature that keeps events from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn't seem to be working.
Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
Currently having a worst case scenario.
You know you're supposed to be doing something else right now. Yes, you.
Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I think "This is the worst thing that has EVER happened."
I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick about him!
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is bullshit!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help
My brain is officially on reruns.
Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.
FACT: Those that talk to you about others will talk to others about you!!
I'm the Froot Loop that survives the bowl but ends up in the sink clinging to the drain stopper for dear life.
It has been such a lovely day, full of friends and well-wishers. If I was in a Lifetime movie, this is the part where I would find a lump.
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. -- Garrison Keillor
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
Hey everybody, pretty bad job driving today.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
The honest weatherman; "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I am wrong."
A bachelor's degree is the new high school diploma.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending.
I feel like I might've switched bodies with an 80 year old once and never quite got back all the way.
I mostly blame this country's obesity epidemic on Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Not very busy today. I'm walking around like a turtle with its head cut off.
I hate it when you go to a store and there are kids all over the place, but not a single price tag on any of them.
The hardest part of today is going to be from right after I get out of bed until right when I get back into bed.
"This is probably a good time to reflect on every mistake I've ever made" - 3am
I woke up extra early to procrastinate this morning.
Thank you to everybody who worried about me driving home tonight but I made it home safely. You should worried about all those people I hit.
Every couple sentences I get nervous I've used the English language horribly wrong.
I've effectively replaced sleep with coffee and anger.
Txt msgs. Whur inglsh goze to di. LOL
I'm so busy, if something bad happens today, I won't have a chance to worry about it for two weeks.
I took some Aleve. It doesn't work for shit. No one is Aleving me alone.
Some conversations could really use a fast-forward button.
Getting the feeling I'm about to run at a football being held by Lucy.
My "hello" has a "let's wrap it up" tone.
Dear loud talkers, can you at least be discussing something interesting?
Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So, sometimes I cook something.
To anyone thinking my posts are directed specifically at them, I'd like to introduce you to this hot, yellow orb the earth revolves around.
Personally, I'm glad the saber tooth tiger is extinct. I've got enough stuff to worry about this week.
I'm going to buy a gun and name it Kindness.
Interested: what more people should attempt to be instead of interesting.
I had two totally responsible and adult things I was going to do today and now for the love of me I can't remember either one of them.
I'm at my wit's end. And it didn't take me long to get here either.
No matter what happens in England, my queen will always be Latifah.
When the only tool you have is denial, nothing looks like a problem.
Never trust someone that wears colored contacts. They've already lied to you.
Today was like going through a car wash with the windows down.
Three hours of consciousness in the books: nothing accomplished. Good day so far.
Why does everything I am supposed to do require more time than I willing to give?
Ah, Tuesday. I always expect nothing from you and you always deliver.
Have you read the labels? Honestly, is there ANYTHING toothpaste can't do these days?
calm down, sunrise. we get it, you're amazing.
I think what happened is that America was embarrassed about being so late to WWII, so now they make a point of always showing up first.
Today doesn't have that new day smell.
Just as an aside to what you were talking about, I haven't been listening to a thing you've been saying.
I must say you really have an open mind. And a mouth to match.
Oh Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. Amen.
Sometimes I make a mental note and then forget where I put it.
With the price of gold this high I'm starting to seriously consider wishing I had some.
My children have an amazing ability to bicker over the most meaningless things. I've nicknamed them "Congress."
This white chocolate Dove bar tastes like soap. ... oh.
For me, one good thing about being wrong, is the joy it brings to others.
Coincidentally, my hospital gown and my insurance both cover about as much.
"I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day."
The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The button to close the doors on the elevator is definitely a placebo
I was raised to believe only I can prevent forest fires. It's a huge responsibility no child should be saddled with.
At this point in my life I am surprised by nothing and baffled by everything.
Take my advice: I don't use it anyway.
How come it's usually the person with the closed mind who has the open mouth?
A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
If I'm ever about to be executed and I'm asked for any last words, I think I'll say "Abracadabra" just in case.
As you can imagine, Edward Scissorhands was strictly forbidden from running.
Another morning. Another rude awakening.
Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.
I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday. I didn't buy one.
Monday morning.. Time to rise and whine!
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Go back to the part of the conversation where you weren't speaking.
Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"
It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.
If you want to understand politics, you have to read between the lies.
The secret ingredient in my brownies is love. Or poison. I always forget.
I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'
C'mere everybody, group shrug.
The key to happiness is not on my key ring.
"If cats could talk, they wouldn't." -- Nan Porter
Take a moment to unwind. It's far better for you than unraveling.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
The first step is admitting you're a problem.
You owe it to yourself to become successful. After that, you'll owe it to the IRS.
If money talks, why won't it have a conversation with me?
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
Some people are so incapable of self loathing you can't help but do it for them.
If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
I'm not awake until I've had 2 cups of coffee and a nap.
Just met John & Jane Doe and their lovely children Play, Tornay, Potay and Alfred.
I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.
It's like these advertisers know what I want even before I do!
So, in summary, my life is a white button down shirt at an all you can eat spaghetti buffet.
No one would listen to you talk if they didn't know it was their turn next.
"I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.
I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.
I'm now day trading. I've got an extra Thursday if anyone has a Sunday or Wednesday they're not using.
It’s really easy to lose your train of thought when the tracks don’t lead to the station.
I don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
Waldo must owe a lot of people money.
When push comes to shove try not be to standing on the edge of anything.
I used to get lost in the shuffle. Now, I shuffle along with the lost.
Sometimes I like to think of you people as my talking stamp collection.
If you can't be part of the solution, insist on being most of the problem.
I've found the secret of happiness - total disregard of everybody. -Ashleigh Brilliant
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will no longer be controlling any circumstances.
The leading cause of death in mice is Scientists.
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
If I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?
I need to take a personal year.
Some people are their own punishment.
If each day's a gift today was socks.
I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.
Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a reason to buy a way nicer hammer.
Bad ideas always think they're good ideas.
Ceilings were just ambitious walls.
Today feels only 68 to 74 percent real.
Just found out pixie sticks aren't even made from real pixies.
I'm a leaver, not a fighter.
I agree with what you say, but I won't defend your right to be douchey about it.
I need whatever the opposite of foursquare is. I'd like to be less aware of my location.
Not to risk getting out of bed on the wrong side tomorrow morning, I've decided to not get out of bed.
I asked my freezer what the future had in store for me and the answer was chilling.
A metaphor is a simile with a stronger sense of commitment.
You know, we were licking stamps for a long time after we had sticker technology. Come on, man.
I can understand both sides of an abusive relationship because of how me and my car treat each other.
Accuse someone of denying everything. It's a hard one to fight.
I'm having more of an entire-life crisis.
Tomorrow the role of me will be played by someone more interested and better qualified.
My husband thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.
That whole end of the world 2012 thing can not get here soon enough for me!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
"If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, 'Help, they've turned me into a parrot', you are wasting everybody's time."
If anyone can put the "i" in "Team" it's Apple.
If I had a dollar for every time I misplaced my keys, I'd have a purse full of money, I'd also be trying to find.
Off is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
Oh, Fox News! LOL! You wacky, bigoted fucks!
Im not sure whats so 'outstanding' about this bill? It seems pretty ordinary to me.
If I'm going to be this awake at 2:30 in the morning, I might as well go guard a factory or something.
Wife has a fever. Daughter has a fever. Neither are of the "disco" variety.
It would stink to have to bury a dead body after a snow storm. That's like, double the shoveling.
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
- Otto von Bismarck
Plan B for saving a lot on college: learn calligraphy and make my own diploma.
I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay.
All pills are sleeping pills if you take enough of them.
My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This parenting thing is bullshit.
Things look 'a whole lot brighter in the morning' because of the sun. They still suck.
Why does "new and improved" always end up "expensive and shitty"?
It's the 21st century, people. Why in the world do we still have mornings?
I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.
I don't lie. I have, however, invented my own language which uses a lot of the same words as English but with somewhat altered meanings.
To make small talk interesting, stare inquisitively at one spot on the person's face until they self-consciously touch it.
I have better things to do with my time than my job.
the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.
I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
What's the cheat code for Friday?
If I had known I was going to have this much shit to do at work today I wouldn't have come in sober
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, tornados and the dark and everything.
It's not called PowerRamble. It's called PowerPoint, so please get to one.
So, we're arguing and I've suddenly realized I don't agree with a word I'm saying. Which really ups the degree of difficulty for winning.
The societal importance of any job is evident in how quickly it's lost in an economic slump, ask any busy nurse or unemployed art director
In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
- Arthur Stringer
Fake (+)(+), perfect (o)(o), perky (*)(*),cold (^)(^), and even Grandma's \o/\o/, big ( @ )( @ ), or small (.)(.). Save them all!
"Some days are for living. Others are for getting through."
Malcolm S. Forbes
Well that's another dream dashed and it's barely eight. If I can keep up this pace I should be completely free of delusions by Friday.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is somebody screwed up.
The Doctor... "Time is a great healer. That's why we keep you waiting so long."
Attention Lifetime movie heroines: please do not marry a man who owns a secluded cabin in the woods.
Losing eyesight isn't as bad as losing vision.
Oh come on. Earth is covering the sun again
It wasn't all that long ago when everything was just Regular Strength.
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
Don't worry about what other people think. They don't do it very often.
Today needs an eject button.
"...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."
The Lord works in mysterious ways... Just like those road maintenance guys.
I have Restless Life Syndrome.
Body scans and genital fondlings would save more lives if our Government was paying to have them done in hospitals rather than airports.
Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to think of it as Surprise Adoption
Hey little kid in your adorable pink jacket: I'm no kidnapper, but if I was, you would be the one.
Monday, you deplete me.
Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I'd be less introverted if the conversations in my head weren't better than the conversations I have with other people.
I wish my thumbs had the power of Pandora. I would give people the thumbs down & they'd instantly disappear & be replaced w/ a better one.
Some diems are just not meant to be carpe'd.
I'd love to come to your party, but I have a conflict of disinterest.
"You have potential" = "I can imagine a day when you won't suck at this."
So much in life would benefit from a good, hard CTRL+ALT+DELETE.
I think I got up on the wrong side of history this morning.
I feel like I'm ready to have children, but they just won't get in the van.
A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.
I hate it when a person offers to make themselves "perfectly clear" but then I can still see them... and hear them.
I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.
I've gotten very spiritual because the material thing isn't working out.
Wanna get a sense of my life? Try using an Etch A Sketch on a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Murphy's Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something.. if it's good, it goes away. If it's bad, it happens.
Blame someone else and get on with your life. - Alan Woods
I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
I'm great at remembering names. I just don't remember which one's yours.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.
I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.
I really played this whole life thing wrong.
I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!
"Rules are like necks. They're meant to be broken"
"Mr. and Mrs. Explorer? It's social services. We are here to talk to you about Dora."
I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late".
Life, if you could call it that, goes on.
When you really think about it, it's best to not really think about it.
If there actually ever was an elephant in the room I'd be like, "elephant!!!"
I've started sleeping 12 hours a day. The economy being what it is, I can't afford to stay awake any longer than that.
Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? It is giving me a false sense of anxiety.
My train of thought has derailed.
It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.
training to withstand sleep deprivation torture.
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end. ~Fred Couples
I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You can’t please everyone, but you can certainly piss them all off.
I *can* handle you at your worst, but if you don’t give me your best more often, you don’t deserve to have me around for it.
If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.
Opinions are like manholes. Most of them will just lead you into a bunch of crap.
I don’t have any room to complain, so I'll just do it right out in the open instead.
If you give someone too much pull, they'll push you right out of their life.
I’m sorry I upset you. I’ll try not to be right next time.
If 1am through 4am counts… then sure, I’m a morning person.
Waving my hand at a fly and saying “get the fuck out of here” has a 0% success rate, but I keep trying it over and over anyway.
"We'd like to have your money." - True honest advertising
We can agree to disagree as long as you know I’m telling everyone you’re wrong.
I favor the separation of church and hate.
The present is where the past and the future meet to exchange hostages.
Don't despair. It's always been this bad. You've just gotten better at noticing it.
Never use alcohol as a crutch. Use a crutch as a crutch. Use alcohol to escape from reality.
Americans consume 80% of the world's painkillers. Amazing, since they suffer only .0008% of the world's pain.
It's better to go gay to heaven than straight to hell.
There is no sense in worrying about the past. The future though, holy crap.
Always follow your dream. Keep following it. Chase it. Stalk it. Ignore any restraining orders it puts out. YOU'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
Don't worry about things you can't control. Worry about how almost everything falls into that category.
All tattoos are temporary, silly mortals.
It's not illegal to ask for money. It's not illegal to go to a liquor store. It's not illegal to have guns. And yet here we are, Your Honor.
Staring longingly at the door works for pets, but I tried it at work and no one lets me out.
If you eat too many of them, they become de-appetizers.
Well there's twenty-two and a half years of my life that I'll never get back.
No, it's certainly not too much to ask. It's just too much for anyone to answer "yes" to.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it.
Happiness can't buy you money.
I would never eat my own words. I'm too full of myself.
Sometimes I get the feeling that pets are just using us for our thumbs.
Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.
Whenever I'm sad, I try to imagine a T-Rex trying to put on a hat.
Some of you need to give your inner child a time out.
"The trouble with real life is that there is no danger music." -Chip Douglas
What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
I finally got my second wind, but it wasn't any better than my first.
I'd say that, for me, the optimal amount of sleep is a little bit more.
That's, like, number four on the list of things I never think about.
Why do bad things happen to bad people at an insufficiently high rate?
I meant to say "Ok, sure", but I guess what I actually said was "Only if you give me a 20 minute explanation for why I should agree."
I knew that was a mistake. I recognized it from all the other times I made it..
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Some brains are like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in, never to be seen again.
Keep calm. Nobody else knows what they're doing either.
I'm afraid I have completely lost track of the whatabouts of this conversation.
Grammar: your doing it wrong.
I hate it when people say "What's your problem?", as though there's only one.
When the yoga instructor tells us all to breath I never have the heart to tell her that I've been breathing the entire time.
Many of us believe that wrongs aren't wrong if it's done by nice people like ourselves.
Gays should have just claimed Homosexuality as a religion. They would have had unbelievable rights & protection decades ago.
I get asked out a lot. Out of coworkers' offices, out of strangers' cars, out of neighbors' houses, out of reputable places of business..
I've had such bad luck lately it's like I broke a mirror with an umbrella I was opening inside under a ladder as 13 black cats crossed my path
"I don't wanna be rude, but" = "I'm about to crush your day with the next thing that comes out of my mouth."
I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."
Honestly, I love every single some of you.......
You'd be so much more likeable if it wasn't for that hole in your face that the noises come out of.
Think of the saying "Your whole life has been leading up to this moment" a few times a day for a good laugh
Want to know the worst thing about yourself? Hang out with a kid for an hour, then ask them.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella felt at midnight.
It must be a long running gag in the candy industry to keep including the yellow ones in Starburst and Skittles.
Here's an idea: bottle your feelings, cork it, put it on the shelf, and wait for somebody who cares to come along.
I bet phone booths are disappearing because they don't want us escaping the Matrix.
Hate is like a placebo, it doesn't really help but it still makes you feel better.
"The Lion King" taught me that it's okay to oppress a group of people as long as they're different and laugh at inappropriate times.
Write the name of someone you hate on your body everyday in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.
Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the fuck man. We trusted you.
My life's ambition is to teach seagulls how to share.
I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately
I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but looking at your life, I'm convinced that you've already done a pretty good job of that.
I'm going to write a self help book, it'll have one line, "it's called 'self help' so do it your damn self."
I'm not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity.
I tried using chopsticks once but my American need to stab things eventually took over.
“People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” -Lemony Snicket
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. --Oscar Wilde
__
We’re sitting on a giant fucking rock that’s chasing a huge ball of fire that’s falling towards a black void that’s hurdling through space.
Clearly your mouth was intended for a much larger person.
Did you ever stop and marvel at how many people in this amazingly colorful and musical and breathtaking world of ours can't drive for shit?
Making pasta. I have a good feeling about this.
Always give credit where credit is helpful.
Sometimes I do nice things just to score a few positive adjectives in my eulogy.
The world is a meaningless anomaly and you are nothing but a sentient meat sack jumping from coincidence to coincidence. Goodnight!
“Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.” -- Norman Rice
You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.
It's hard to believe in myself when there's no evidence.
If time is money, and money is the root of all evil, then time is the root of all evil?
Don't trust anyone who goes out of their way to do anything for you.
Checked my gmail spam folder and found out I've won like 50 different foreign lotteries! Things are looking up!
I am the lifeless of the party.
If you take the time to listen to people you'll realize why most don't.
I may have already remembered everything I'm ever going to remember.
"Stay still. This is going to hurt." - The truth
"I just feel like you two are so alike" is always said about people who fucking hate each other.
Most of my stories end with, "and that's why we don't talk anymore."
"I'm not one of THOSE people." -Totally one of those people
I get so mad at myself when I like a commercial.
I think, therefore I shut the fuck up.
"No one includes me in on anything." - Batteries
I'm pretty tired for a guy who's had 8000 cups of coffee.
Falcor from "Neverending Story" was part dragon, part what? Yorkie? Maltese? His fur was greasy. Breeder shoulda gone Pomeranian.
Brain: Remind me again why we talk to him? Heart: I like him. Boobs: We like him too! Liver: *burp* Soul: Can't believe you guys sold me. :(
After I die please hide my body in a storage unit that's coming up for auction.
Wide awake on a Sunday night. Just how Monday morning wants it.
Everything happens for a reason. And the reason is so that someone can say "everything happens for a reason."
Never underestimate the power of people not believing in you.
Same shirt, different day.
Stop taking the little things for granted. If Super Mario ever saw just half of what you were dumping in that Coinstar™ he'd shit his pants.
I always procrastinate because if I die suddenly I don’t want my last day on Earth spent doing what I’m expected or supposed to be doing.
I feel the same way but I guess I'm a better liar.
Super busy. I have to forward this email to 20 people in 5 minutes or else a ghost will visit me tonight and my room is a mess.
i just thought of the saddest thing ever: a baby dragon trying to blow out the birthday candles on his cake
Wherever I go, I always arrive early so I have time to find parking, relax, and gaze into space while reflecting on my poor life choices
Didn't see any new snacks in my kitchen last time I checked. Maybe 300th time's a charm.
It's cute how the people you're texting with have no idea how much of an asshole you're being to everybody else.
How can babies do the same thing every night and still struggle against it? It's called A ROUTINE babies. Get your shit together.
Go ahead. Act a little crazy. You never know when your lawyer will want to use that as a defense.
How do you say "Shut the fuck up you feathery fag" in chirps?
Watching my son sleep makes me forget all about what a rabid demonic monkey on speed he'll be when he wakes up.
If you need tech support, tell them your name is Poonjabbi, half the hold time.
The $3 fee notice on ATMs should include "No," "Yes," and "Yes, but Fuck You."
The 4 Stages of Going Out: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself
Everyone needs to stop pretending to get along.
You can't possibly know what burdens other people are carrying, and that is an excellent reason not to be an asshole.
Always speak your mind. Don't be afraid to stir things up. Letting the sugar sit at the bottom of your coffee is gonna make it taste bitter.
There's a hole in my heart prescription drugs can't fill. Still, let's experiment.
My favorite four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.
If loving you is wrong, I've probably loved you.
I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.
Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
I can always count on you to be totally unreliable.
Look, I'm trying to rant here. Stop interrupting me with "facts" and "reason".
Lifestyle: The best way to avoid parking tickets is to remove your windshield wipers.
The closest I get to multitasking is ignoring more than one thing at a time.
I know misery loves company but please stop talking to me.
My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."
I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember.
Fault finding is like window washing. All the dirt seems to be on the other side.
Cell phones have completely ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If people would just stop being wrong, I wouldn't always have to be right.
It takes 50 muscles to frown. Good workout.
At the point I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of being overwhelmed.
I need to stop replying to text messages only in my head.
Things are so uneventful lately that when I die, I'm hoping someone else's life gets flashed before my eyes.
My girlfriend says I keep pushing her buttons...she's right, I'm looking for the "Mute" button!
I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me.
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. ~Pearl Bailey
One thing my dog and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~Herm Albright
Never put your own self worth in the hands of someone who values nothing.
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet. ~Ann Landers
It's as if children don't understand that sleep is fucking magical.
I figured out my problem...It's everybody else
My life would be easier if my blessings stopped wearing disguises.
Why isn't caffeinated toothpaste a thing?
Whenever I find myself driving behind a cop I pretend I am a princess & he's my police escort.
Your sense of entitlement makes me want to give you a sense of enstranglement.
I can't tell you how many headaches I've saved myself by not paying attention
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou
Keep treating me like a doormat and I’ll pull the fucking rug out from underneath you.
Sunday nights always feel like I'm preparing for a five day war.
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm.
Everyone has darkness in their lives, but without the shadows we wouldn't know we were standing in the light
Don't let yesterdays failures ruin the beauty of today. Because each day has its own promises.
Live each day as if everyone loves you because self-delusion is underrated as a coping mechanism.
Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ~Coco Chanel
If you can't excel with talent, triumph with effort. ~Dave Weinbaum
Sometimes, you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care but because they don't
Hell called. Your special place is ready.
Everything will be okay; maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in our lifetime, but eventually I think, or maybe not. It’s hard to say.
The problem with being a good listener is that people want to tell you stuff.
Most people are crazy. If you want a relationship you have to decide how much crazy is acceptable.
Don’t be afraid to dream. Reality’s not going anywhere.
This day got off to a bad start about 7 years ago.
Don’t judge my choices if you don’t understand my reasons.
fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moment but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.
I'm tired of caring for people who don't reciprocate. I'm worth the effort.
Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.
I'm a very persuasive person. I can convince myself of anything.
Sometimes it's not so much that I want to learn new things, it's that I can't stand not knowing them.
Never let your failures get to your heart, & never let your success get to your head.
Learn to appreciate what you have, before time forces you to appreciate what you had.
Sad that we live in a world where we have to be suspicious of people before we can trust them, instead of the other way around.
If it was up to me, it would not be up to me.
Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone in your life is meant to be there, but it doesn't mean they're meant to stay.
By the time we get to November, we're all just voting to make it stop.
We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.
Let's just call it like it is: I have a cold. We all just need to stay calm and do what we can to get me well.
One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.
If God thinks I'm a bad person, He can tell me, not you.
I've made lots of mistakes in my past...but if you judge me on what I did in my past, then you have no reason being in my future.
Bad news. While you were busy feeding your ego, your soul died.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you.
Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid.
Enjoy today because there might not be a tomorrow. Sometimes, there are no next times, no time outs, and no second chances.
I never click "Remember Me" when signing in to things. Don't want my computer thinking I'm clingy.
Not only can't people handle the truth, but most of them suck at lie-handling too.
I'm still amazed by the number of people who not only expect everything to go their way but how easily they let it ruin their day.
For an emotion, anxiety sure does feel like someone tasing my Soul.
If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.
I feel the same way about having kids as I do about cooking. I'm capable of doing it, I just don't want to.
Having kids is like going to jail forever for fucking someone you love.
If the fate of the world ever rests on my husband arriving somewhere on time, we are all fucking doomed.
You will never become who you want to be if you keep blaming everyone else for who you are
I need a good nights sleep, but I'll settle for the one I'm going to get.
Nobody screws me up better than me.
We all make mistakes. Don't let that be the reason you give up on somebody.
There's no U in TEAM either, by the way.
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
Talking to me in the morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
If you feel you can't live without them, just remember you survived long before them.
DATING TIP: Sometimes the sparks are flying because you are scraping bottom.
Just took my first spin class. It was amazing, but I feel like we were all being tricked into generating power for something evil.
The early bird gets the worm. Also the bird that stayed up all night.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. Every single one of them deserved it.
You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely.
I bought myself an oscillating fan. Because I like to be comfortable. Twelve percent of the time.
I get "1st world" and "3rd world," but what's the 2nd world, Canada?
When someone texts 'ROFL' I always imagine Scooby-Doo trying to say 'waffle'.
I'm fairly certain I could be arrested at any moment for being a Serial Time Killer.
Friendship means understanding, not agreement. It means forgiveness, not forgetting. It means the memories last even if the contact is lost.
I took a multi-vitamin but there's still only one of me.
It's not attention deficit disorder, it's mental multitasking.
I'm probably just as crazy as I think everyone else is.
Ever notice everybody who's ever said "correct me if I'm wrong" has never been right?
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening. Be yourself like no one's judging.
Don't believe everything you read online. Except this. This feels legit.
I always sleep on a sack of knives in case a pillow fight breaks out.
After 2 years of marriage, your wife turns into Angelica from the Rugrats.
You can't lose what you never had, you can't keep what's not yours & you can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stay
If you make your outgoing message the sound of a fax machine connecting, it really cuts down on your voice mail.
Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.
True love is talking to someone 2 feet from an outlet because your phone is dead.
“Swings both ways” is redundant. They’re swings, that’s what they do. Swings that don’t go both ways aren’t swings… they’re slingshots.
At what age does it change from 'pretending' to 'lying'?
If you're important to someone, you'll never have to guess. Their actions will tell you everything you need to know.
Appreciate those who love you. Help those who need you. Forgive those who hurt you. Forget those who leave you.
As you waste your breath complaining about life, Someone out there is breathing their last. Appreciate what you have...
Has anyone figured out what they put in those salon capes that makes our faces itch 2 minutes into a haircut?
You were born to be real, not to be perfect. You are here to be you, not to live someone else's life.
Don't forget to pray tonight because God didn't forget to wake you up this morning.
My car's GPS has started sighing before she says, "Recalculating."
Don't confuse the people who are always around with the ones who are always there.
What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.
You're everything I've ever wanted in a vague acquaintance.
Your life. Your choices. Your problems. Your mistakes. Your lessons. Not THEIR business.
Socks have the highest divorce rate.
WARNING: If you do it right the first time, they'll ask you to do it again.
I'll be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.
The day I realized I could be anything was the day I decided to be mediocre and completely okay with it.
You do realize that you can keep SOME of your thoughts to yourselves, right?
"If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed."
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Someone tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.
The more you know, the less you listen.
Real people remind me a little of actors.
I'd interact with people a lot more if they didn't interact back.
You know you’re aging when you have more items in your grocery cart that cure you than feed you.
What's written: Do not touch. What we read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Real bears and gummy bears should consider trading sizes.
Tomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.
My regrets are limited to the things I did and the things I didn't do.
If there's a Hell, Kidz Bop has to be playing on a loop.
We're all just walking tanks of coffee, trying to get stuff done.
Ever stop and think how much of your life is ahead of you, then break out in a cold sweat?
Actually, your driver's license photo is pretty much how you look to everyone else.
Every time I put my socks in the dryer it's like a caged, death match. "Two go in, one comes out."
My cat is so evil, she should be stroking a tiny person.
I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock so hard it's going to file for domestic abuse.
You are not special. There is no plan for you. Nothing happens for a reason. Just try not to die and shut up.
You learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than at the beginning.
Look at your hand. That fucking thing would totally smack you if you let it.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think we're gonna have an indoor baby.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.
Your ex asking to be friends after a break up is like... Kidnappers asking you to "keep in touch" after letting you go.
BREAKING NEWS: You are just as perfect as the Universe intended you to be, which is, yes, pretty fucking sad.
If everyone you meet every day is an asshole, the problem is, you're an asshole.
You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
From now on I'm letting my entire life go to voicemail.
I'm really fucking nice until I want to rip your head off. Then, I'm still nice, but I want to rip your fucking head off.
If it actually rained cats and dogs, most of the cats would survive, which is unfortunate.
Don't judge me until you've stumbled a mile in my shoes.
Sorry gals, but after the 3rd and 4th picture retake, you need to accept that's just what your face and body look like.
i was going to do something constructive with my day today but then internet
I'd so do something with my life if wasting it didn't feel so damn good.
Revenge? Nah, I’m too lazy. I’m gonna sit here and let karma f*ck you up.
Bullying Needs to Stop. Dislike everyone equally.
BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don't have to be an asshole about it.
A bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.
Watching someone I once knew drown in the person they wanted to be.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
So much time wasted, and still some left to waste.
Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say "I don't negotiate with terrorists."
Life is full of disappointments and I'm full of life.
The next time I see a mouse, I'm gonna leave some rags and ribbon out overnight. If I don't have a ballgown by morning, I'll set traps.
In any 50/50 situation, I will lose 100% of the time.
It's a fact that 99% of the people who visit an Emergency Room are people who say, "Hey, guys! Watch me! This is going to be so cool."
I liked you so much better before I found out who you really are.
Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand.
Never put your own self worth in the hands of someone who values nothing.
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.
It's not you. It's just carbon-based life forms in general.
Collection agency just sent me a final notice. Thank god, I'm tired of ignoring all their phone calls.
If it's not one thing, it's another. Or it could be a third thing. Or all three at once.
I just did a big favor for someone and feel really good about it. It's just nice to know that someone out there owes me something.
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE THE YOUNGEST YOU ARE EVER GOING TO BE AGAIN.
Coffee is the drug dealer for my eyelids: "Hook me up, man. I just wanna get open!"
"I had more fun when I was younger." -Me, lying to myself
The best way to ensure I'll be rushing to work at the last possible minute is to get up early and leave myself plenty of time.
It's not past mistakes that haunt me, it's the mistakes that I've yet to make that keeps me awake nights.
No matter how good or bad you think life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life. Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive.
Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"
Misplace the occasional, comma to drive people crazy.
A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
The "check engine" light came on, so I did. Yep. Still there.
Calling me "socially awkward" makes it seem like there's a place where I'm not awkward.
I've spent all day getting ready to go back thousands of years. (I'm camping)
I'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.
You are like a dream to me. I forget pretty much everything about you a few minutes after seeing you.
Honestly, I don't have time to hate people who hate me cause I'm too busy loving people who love me.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then.
Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
If you're trying to improve your memory, lend someone money.
My shrink said I was "severely paranoid" but would someone so mentally ill be able to uncover a vast government conspiracy?
I'd like to send my regrets everywhere I'm expected to go.
Either I have allergies or my soul is leaking out of my eyes
Can old people get their own driving lane/grocery store already?
It's never too late to start. Which is why I'm putting it off till tomorrow.
Accidentally eating a black jelly bean is like a terrorist attack in your mouth.
If you need to feel crazy, try to explain to someone not in your family why you're mad at your mom.
English teachers put more thought into novels than the authors do.
“Let’s pick a random year in the future to fuck with people’s heads.”
- Mayans
I'm going on three straight days of insomnia. If I don't get any sleep soon I'm pretty sure I'll be awake.
Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
Don't ask me to remind you to do anything.
You know what? Don't. And while you're at it. Stop.
I'm so tired of insomnia.
Got a parking ticket. It's like no matter how hard I try, I simply can't escape my criminal lifestyle.
I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now
Having my iPod on shuffle around friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for me.
No part of a phone plan sounds more terrifying to me than "unlimited talk."
"Why won't you just tell me what you want?" -My iPod on shuffle
Fell asleep at 11:30 and woke up after an hour. Excited to get a head start on my day!
People are like fish. Neither would get into trouble if they only kept their mouths shut.
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
People who get pissed every night feel like shit every morning.
The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle. -Stapp’s Ironical Paradox
Bed is a bundle of paradoxes; we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; and we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
17 hours of sustained wakefulness can lead to a decrease in physical and mental performance equivalent to a blood alcohol level of 0.05% (legally drunk)
Any organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The more you talk about how others are, the more others learn about how you are.
what do i have to do to get sentenced to house arrest it can't be that hard
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Dorothy Nevill
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. ~Ambrose Bierce
If you could hear me, I would tell you, that our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we've touched.
Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever, finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia
If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will. -Abraham Lincoln
I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. -Abraham Lincoln
When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.
If someone in your life talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have left them long ago.
Don't let yourself be so angry that you stop loving. because one day you'll wake up from that anger, and the person you love, will be gone.
Sometimes, you'll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
You should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living. Because it is the ones with the sorest throats who have done the most singing.
Next time your in a silent elevator ride with a stranger, turn to her and say, "I'm sorry we're fighting."
Of course I'm self-centered. What am I supposed to be, you-centered?
I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.
Never do anything an inanimate object tells you to do. For example, your alarm clock.
I'm not needy. I'm wanty.
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Dear life. When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
Next time someone won't shut up, start singing "finish talking" to "Frère Jaques". This will work.
Just got a stain on my shirt but it's ok because life is meaningless.
If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… Because if you're good at lying, you're good at everything.
"I don't know what her problem is" is often said by the one who caused it.
Facebook is like eavesdropping on the most boring conversation on earth.
Tickling is laughter rape.
If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.
Give me one good reason why a penguin wouldn't be a great pet, and then shut up because you're a liar.
At fast food drive-thrus I always tell the guy at the second window that the guy at the first window was talking shit about him.
I just threw the tangled pile of Christmas lights in the yard and plugged them in. Fuck it
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Lately I've been using this great new stress relief technique that I call "Freaking The Fuck Out."
"I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win.
The smallest minds always have the biggest mouths.
Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk. They should be called holdie-noisies.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.
Just pulled a muscle reaching a new low.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
"Well, I should probably let you go" is how I begin every phone conversation in my head.
It takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.
Heartbreak is when the one that got away calls you the one that got away.
It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I don't need to do today the things I need to do today.
You may be the star of your own life but you're just an extra in mine so stop looking at the fucking camera.
"is in a relationship" has inspired many a "fuck, no way."
Ideally, I'd like to have two kids. One favorite, and one for organs.
This Halloween I'm going to scare neighborhood children by jumping out from the bushes and explaining the college loan process to them.
No matter how bad you think your day is going remember that there are people out there with face tattoos
Love is patient, love is kind. Answer my texts in less than a minute or I'll kill you.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
This memory foam had better keep it's fuckin' mouth shut!
You can't honestly expect me to stop my car everytime I hit something
There's sad, and there's Kmart sad
Fast food workers should be required to say "Eww." as they hand you your order.
Morning radio DJs are just reading the Internet to old people
I already hate tomorrow and everyone in it
I love when people drive ten miles under the speed limit like WE'RE NOT INCHING TOWARD THE GRAVE WITH EACH PASSING MINUTE.
"Good morning!" - me, lying
My problem is I don’t like working out in front of people or when I’m alone.
Really whenever I get up is "too early."
When your limbs fall asleep that's death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.
Thanks but I don't need help in your store or any other store. I've been in a ton of stores. I know how they work.
Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not.
Most of my life feels like i'm down a touchdown and there's 48 seconds on the clock.
I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."
It's a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers
I’m not procrastinating; it’s just that I haven’t finished doing nothing yet.
If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.
When someone's apology is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," they're actually saying, "I couldn't be less sorry, but here, have some bullshit."
If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already pissed off.
For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
FACEBOOK HAS ISSUED A WEATHER WHINING WARNING, IN EFFECT UNTIL NOON FRIDAY.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I better get up. My day isn't going to fuck up itself.
Get the lint roller. The cat is absolutely *covered* in cat hair.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I will release you as soon as I find The Keymaster or if you find the exits, that's cool too.
The best part about waking up is the falling and being asleep beforehand.
i'm not sure i cooked this chicken all the way through but you know i've had a good life
I have some time to kill, but not enough to dispose of the bodies.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap on my patio. Like he sat there and thought about it.
I hope aliens come down when there's a democrat in the white house otherwise, space war.
Yes, other people are annoying. But to everyone else in the world, you are other people.
Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.
Happiness keeps you sweet. Trials keep you strong. Sorrows keep you human. Failures keep you humble. And God, keeps you going.
Don't confuse caring enough to complain with caring enough to do something about it.
Remember when you thought you'd have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? HAHAHA!
"Sounds like you've got a cold!" is right up there with "You look exhausted!" for Insults Disguised As Small Talk.
Beware of large numbers of people dressed alike. Yes, even choirs.
If you're not nervous you need to pay more attention.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.
Optimist:The glass is half full. Pessimist:The glass is half empty. Conspiracy theorist:The government is hoarding the water!
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time. But you can fool yourself anytime.
I always give 110 percent, but I spread it out over five days.
Visiting my grandmother reaffirmed that I am the smartest, nicest, handsomest and most talented young man alive.
It's already too late to do everything you could have done.
If God didn't want me to yell, he wouldn't have given me a mouth or children.
Why do dogs always think the knock at the door is for them?
If you're good at throwing over fences, everything can become your neighbor's problem.
Burning things down, in a wonderful way.
We kill time until time kills us.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Just saw a commercial for California, so I called up and bought it. Get out.
Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.
The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.
Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a queen.
Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.
#myweakness is always forgiving people who don't deserve it, just because I miss having them in my life.
I invented this super cool handshake but I don't think I blended it long enough
"Is THAT what I really sound like?" - everyone listening to themselves on tape AND FOR GOOD REASON WE ALL SOUND LIKE MONSTERS
A piñata is a great way to show your kids that violently beating something with a stick has its rewards.
Every guy I know whose "heart was in the right place" had his dick in the wrong place
The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
The glass is always cleaner on the other side.
If I had a dollar for every time I left my debit card in an ATM machine...it wouldn't matter because now I can't get any cash out.
"I know my recent weight gain has left a lot of people feeling hurt & confused." - imaginary press conference I'm holding right now
I make a lot of mental notes, but I never (ever) read them.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...seriously what's your problem, why can't we just hang out
History is an island. Humanity is Gilligan.
You win again, time. I should maybe stop picking this fight.
I can’t remember what it felt like to be in love with you. I just know that something’s missing.
I'm not voting for anyone who doesn't have at least 5 letters in their first name
I've spent the day baby-proofing the house. No baby is getting in here. No sir-ee. Don't trust 'em. Not one bit.
Negotiations with myself always end with me putting cheese on something and eating a midnight snack.
Most things don't matter, problem is things that do matter hide among them, trying to blend in.
No offense, 4 a.m., but I'm fucking sick of hanging out with you.
Do your feet ever hurt from kicking so much ass?
Mock war, not love.
The naked truth is always better than someone's best dressed lie.
Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.
As a measurement of cuteness, I feel like we could probably do better than buttons.
The best part of waking up is not.
Nothing freaks people out more than being told, "Stay calm, there's no need to panic."
These food stamps taste terrible.
Why is it alcohol can kill brain cells but, not fat cells?
I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get jealous thinking that someone could make you happier than I could.
If you have to demand respect, you probably don't deserve it.
Dear Users, I appreciate your kind attitude towards other keys! But why do you press all keys softly & hit me with your full power? Sincerely, Enter Key
Dear 3rd cup of coffee: you weren't my first love, but you made my heart beat fastest.
I doubt anyone would follow him again, but still -- I would probably kill zombie Hitler first.
Always give without remembering and always receive without forgetting. ~Brian Tracy
With my luck, I'll be that one guy they shoot in the head during a hostage situation just to show that they're "not fucking around."
Just ignore me. That's what I do.
Magic is something you make.
Never give someone your all because when they are gone, you have nothing.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
Time is the cruelest teacher; first she gives the test, then teaches the lesson. ~Katharine Hepburn
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
The secret with police is, they won't leave until they think they've made you do something.
Do not base your happiness upon the deeds of others.
Zero tolerance policies are way too soft on zeroes.
I'm of sound body and never mind.
Me to the teen; "I'll call your 'because everybody else is' and raise you a 'because I said so.'"
If there was an app like Shazam, but for people's faces, that told me who I'm talking to and how I know them, I'd use that shit all the time
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own
Tomorrow's forecast is a spinning sun and one cloud. I'm pretty excited.
If you’re looking for a helping hand, there’s one right at the end of your arm.” –Adam Christing
Sadly, lobbyists are not mellow dudes who hang out in lobbies.
Some people are going to leave, but that's not the end of your story. That's the end of their part in your story. ~Unknown
"Laughter is the best medicine." -- my health insurer
Time for bed. My sleep number is up
Pretty much every room I'm in is a panic room.
I think my bank account is being Punk'd.
You probably shouldn't throw stones in regular houses either.
Dear Coca Cola, we're aware of you. Spend money on other stuff.
Penises and vaginas get really excited for people who are bad for our brains.
When I finally hit rock bottom I decided to stay there.
I wish you could buy a AAA policy with "lifeside assistance."
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you'd never lose it.
A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.
Automatic bathroom faucets and paper towel dispensers mostly just automatically never fucking work.
If someone says "excellent question" they're basically saying "you're great at being an idiot"
i wish people would get a notification when i unlike them in real life
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Everyone who is older than you is smarter than you in at least one regard, even if it's only what it's like to be older than you.
The great arises out of the small things that are honored and cared for. ~ Unknown
Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be. ~ John Wooden
I sign all my emails with "And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it."
Circumstances don't defeat you - you defeat yourself when you give up. ~Jonathan Lockwood
Lies are like a layer cake, once you've made one, it stays until it all falls together.
Sometimes you can do everything well but that doesn't guarantee everything will turn out right.
Death is scary, sure, but I don't actively dwell on it! Like I'll cross that bridge when I jump off it...
I don't need easy, I just need possible. ~ Bethany Hamilton
"Is it shitty enough that I have to do something about it; or shitty but I'd rather be lazy and tolerate it than ever be happy?" --Humankind
By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. ~ Unknown
As I do more laundry, nudists seem less crazy.
The best app invented would electric shock you when you tried to call an ex.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. ~ Wayne Dyer
A lot of children think their parents are all no-ing.
Good morning: If things around you dont change,, change the thing you're around..
Of all losses, time is the most irrecuperable for it can never be redeemed. ~Henry VIII of England
Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. ~Roald Dahl
Why the fuck isn't W called double V?
There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs. ~Unknown
I don't think you should get in trouble for something that comes out of your mouth if you look as surprised as the person you said it to.
No, I didn't get the memo. I've never gotten a memo.
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
The moon doesn't shine. It merely basks in the glow of its popular cousin.
Learn from the moon, even though it's alone, it is still shining bright. ~ Unknown
We all know someone that suffers from a lack of substance abuse.
Fingers are the best part of a chicken.
If you only have eyes for me, you'll have to do better. Because this will cost you an arm and a leg.
The first donut goes by so fast I usually eat a second one to make sure I had a first one
If you ever take anything I say to heart.. Here is your one: Never fool yourself into believing that your life can't get any worse.
We have ways of making you talk. What we really need is a way to make you shut up.
So long as we are under the control of disturbing emotions, real happiness is hard to find.
It was nice of Apple to invent a mirror I can send emails with.
The word “bedtime” is like a Red Bull for my children. #help
As kids, we're afraid of monsters living under the bed. As adults, we're afraid of them living in the White House.
"The only thing worse than missing someone, is wondering what there was to miss."
You think you can take me, tough guy? I'd like to see you try. Seriously, anywhere fun you might be going. Take me with.
Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Oh yeah? Then why is unsliced bread more expensive?
The nice thing about living in a small town is if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
I feel like I'm always in line for things I don't even want to do. #flying
Today is a good day, even if it is in disguise. ~unknown
When you put your open soda can back in the fridge, you're only fooling yourself.
I pity anyone who celebrates someone else's shortcomings. What a terrible life, to constantly have to compare yourself to others.
I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
In a loud bar, I hate having to shout my half-assed observations as if they are convictions for which I am willing to die.
People who say “I can’t complain” simply aren’t trying hard enough.
just ordered a loaded baked potato really hope it comes staggering out of the kitchen & just passes out in my mouth
Some people devote their life to a cause, yet have no effect.
I Always Learn From The Mistake Of Others Who Take My Advice
If you want a free phone just follow me around for like an hour
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Q. How is man like a snowstorm? A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, of how long it'll stay.
Hope is the little voice you hear whispering "maybe" when the entire world is shouting "no". ~ Unknown
One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.. ~ James Earl Jones
People worry too much about finding the right one, when they ought to be worrying about being the right one.
Everything means nothing unless someone cares. ~Leon Traazil
If you want the world to be a better place, contribute one good human being to it...yourself.
doing laundry, aka The Eternal Struggle.
I'm a gangsta napper.
Whenever someone tells me I'm stupid I tell them it's pronounced "stupendous".
I have an alarmed clock. It has a nervous tic and a nervous toc.
If its never dark, you can never see the stars. ~ Syed Zahir
Evidently, my admirers are all secret.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
If someone leaves you just to see if you'll follow them, don't.
Americans aren't stupid. We're storing all this fat so we can hibernate through the next ice age.
Being responsible doesn't always feel good, but being irresponsible always feels bad. ~Leon Traazil
I'm so awesome, my dreams follow me.
You try to follow your dreams, but then they speed through a yellow light and don't even stop to wait for you! Dreams are jerks.
Respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. ~Unknown
One kid I can handle, no problem. Maybe even two or three. More than that can be a challenge, especially when they coordinate their attacks.
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. No, seriously it's your duty as a human to alert others if inanimate objects are coming to life
Him: "I'd go through anything for you." Her: "Just the door will do fine."
We may not know how long the tunnel is, but we know there will be light at the end of it.
You make me embarrassed to be human.
Sit up straight. You're crushing your internal organs.
If you repeat chapters, the ending will never change.
Thanks to Facebook's "People I May Know" section, I get a constant reminder of "People I Want Nothing To Do With."
Life is like Life cereal; it gets all shitty and mushy too quickly.
It's a good thing our tongues aren't delicious.
Such a great day. So glad to be alive. Feeling really thankful for everything right now. ONLY problem is we're all going to die.
almost time to call it a nyquil
There will never be a day when I will have to remember you, because there was never a day that I forgot you ~Rune Lockhart
Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
I'd like to thank Intervention for making me feel like I got a handle on things.
Most of modern adult life is a 24/7 Underwhelmathon.
I've been stuck in the same awkward pause since 1997.
I wish you could sue the weather.
Just get the Allstate mayhem guy instead of filming him. He's right in front of you. Idiots.
Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. ~ Dalai Lama
I checked myself but then, very methodically and intentionally, I wrecked myself.
Let's go someplace where we can each be alone.
I sleep a lot because I get tired of myself.
I always make an effort to see both sides of an argument: mine, and that ignorant asshole's.
To save money, all of America's TV shows should merge into "Murder-Solving Toddler Housewives of Cake."
Say what you will about reality TV, but pretty sure we do a better job of picking top chefs and models than we do leaders.
Children should be seen and not had.
I am man hear me mumble.
Researchers have discovered that people will believe anything that you tell them researchers have discovered.
My eyes hurt. I am looking too much. I am looking all the time. There is no other option until I go to sleep.
Well cookies, I know you're there and you know I know you're there. It's really only a matter of time now, isn't it?
If time is money, I need to borrow a few weeks.
Everyone here loves you because they don't really know you.
If you go to China pick me up a baby.
Government of the people, by the people and for the people can leave you running in horror from the people.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result but I still get up every morning.
Sorry, actors. If you're not a pregnant teen, an addict, a hoarder, a trophy wife or a chef...chances of you getting on TV don't look good.
Awkwardly is spelled awkwardly.
It’s hard to keep up with what I’m not doing.
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for a culture of entitled white American children who are systematically fed a diet of high fructose corn syrup.
Everyone is a dreamer when they are kid, the hardest thing is still dreaming when you're an adult.
I'm so poor, I can't even afford to window shop.
Having somebody help you doesn't mean you fail, it just means that you're not in it alone.
I've never killed anyone for the same reason I've never done heroin; pretty sure I'd like it too much.
I'm constantly getting mad at people for getting mad at stuff.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It's simple. If it's clean, it's on the floor. If it's dirty, it's on the floor over there.
Thought I often have around people: Maybe I'm not people.
When you think you're not happy with your life, always remember that someone is happy simply because you exist.
We encourage you to retort your relative's judgements with this phrase: "Your pants ain't that fucking fancy, Fancypants motherfucker."
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.
I wish mold didn't like the same foods I do.
Life is a wilderness of twists & turns, where faith is your only compass. ~Paul Santaguida
Lies don’t end relationships, the truth usually does.
All I think about is how I think I spend too much of my time thinking about how I think about things, I think.
I think we're on the same page, but why do you insist on reading it backwards?
You'd be surprised how much time it can take to do absolutely nothing.
I ate those chips like there was no tomorrow...because for those chips, there wasn't.
Any time a leader speaks of "Enemies of the People," the enemy is the people.
Google Maps will not tell you where it all went wrong.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. -Benny Hill
I just killed a man with a single glare. He's not dead yet, but some day he will be.
When life hands you brown, rotting, shitty bananas, make banana bread.
My daydream solution to organizing my house is always arson.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.
Do dogs just think they're wearing necklaces?
I am extremely disappointed that so few of you respond to my telepathic commands.
If I had a dime for every time I've exaggerated I'd have, like, a trillion dollars by now.
You don't get a cat. You end up with a cat.
When you're down and out remember... God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.~George B. Shaw
Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you. ~Stephanie Klein
I find that I'm really good with other people as long as I get twenty-two hours of alone time per day.
Life is too ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Not exactly starting with a bang, is it?
Instead of wiping your tears, wipe away the people who created them.
Sometimes I feel like people don't even consider my schedule when they get into car accidents
I don't like to repeat gossip. But, really, what else can you do with it?
The number one cause of divorce is wanting somewhere to send the kids every other weekend.
If you've got nowhere to turn, just keep going straight.
Follow your passion, follow your heart, and the things you need will come... ~ Elizabeth Taylor
Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue. ~ Eugene O'Neill
"I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.
Lately, I'm wondering how bad four years with no president would be.
i hope a bear never sneaks into my house because my first reaction would be to snuggle.
Money can't buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.
Why does everything take longer than my attention span?
Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.
Pray for peace, people everywhere. Or, if you're more practically-minded, just try not attacking anyone.
Santa is a fucking cunt. He gives more expensive gifts to the wealthier children.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I want to be the person you hate to see coming then hate to see going.
Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. ~ Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert A. Heinlein
Turns out there's not a nice way for me to tell my mom she's being a fucking asshole.
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.
I'm a creature of habit. All bad.
You know who's actually really wrong a lot is you
If you leave without a reason, do not come back with an excuse.
It's very telling that no matter how much you love someone, you always love them more when you see them asleep.
"Destiny" is a nobler way of saying "a bunch of shit that happened".
If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
No matter what I do, I'm always peeking through the same eye holes from inside the same head. I consider this a design flaw.
Portions of life not affecting the outcome have been edited out of my memory.
If I saw a Lexus with a red ribbon around it I'd go slash its fucking tires.
"Don't get your hopes up" applies to everything ever.
People wouldn't have to rejoice if they joiced properly the first time.
I can't think of anything I'd do with a time machine that doesn't involve committing some sort of crime.
Dogs and men always look guilty of something. This explains the friendship.
People love to pretend they can't hear you, but the minute you say something rude under your breath, those ears are fucking supersonic.
I used to have credit problems then I changed my phone number...credit problem solved.
Can you keep a secret? Good.. so can I.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. ~George Bernard Shaw
Present Me is always taking revenge on Future Me for bullshit that Past Me did.
Just because you miss someone, doesn't mean they belong in your life.
Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by. And now I'm trapped in a snowdrift surrounded by wolves.
i need to find a self defense class to defend against myself
You are not what people call you, you are what you answer to.
I don't have time for self-loathing. Fortunately, I have plenty of people who are willing to do it for me
You can't break promises! They're only IMAGINARY!
My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
Hey. I'm going to sleep now. Good night. I love you. Well, some of you. You know who you are. I hope you do. I'm not allowed to name names
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It means you value your relationships more than your ego.
Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, y'all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, b*tches
I'm at the point where the first thing to go wrong is the last straw.
The time I spend counting how many hours of sleep I'll get if I fall asleep right now, is more math than I ever did in school.
There’s nothing wrong in making mistakes, what’s wrong is letting it stay as a mistake without the effort of making it right.
"Hope nobody exposes me for the fraud I truly am today!" -Everyone
A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.
Just because it was an honest mistake doesn't mean it wasn't stupid.
Only love lets us see normal things in an extraordinary way.
are we still caring about things or can i stop now i'm tired
I only have a Facebook to see where everyone is at, so I can avoid running into them.
why is it considered a psychiatric problem when someone wants to commit suicide? haven't doctors ever been to target on a saturday?
Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.
I can't bear negative people, or as I call them nope addicts.
When someone says, "long story short," after they've already been talking too long, I like to say, "Nice try, asshole."
Half of me is like "Just put pants on and see what happens." The other half is like "No, we tried that yesterday and look what happened."
Some of you people are a little too self-aware. (You know who you are.)
Don't judge a book by it's cover. Or do, what do I care.
No one ever tells you what you CAN shake a stick at.
kind of a dick move putting sharks in the ocean god
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world
Life is a beach. Build sandcastles while you can. They'll wash away but you'll have had fun making them instead of staring at the sand.
How did that one kid in kindergarten who hit people and threw tantrums and made everybody miserable grow up to be half the adult population?
Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is I'm not very good at My job.
Tuesday is a generous second helping of Monday.
I'm about to sleep the shit outta this bed.
Oh = Just Stop talking to me . K = Im done talking . Whatever = F#ck you . Fine = F#ck it . I guess = I dont really give a f#ck .
I never fell in love with you. I just fell. #iwtfy
I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Maybe your definition of black-out drinking is what's problematic. Maybe I'm proactive about brain cell turnover, ever think of that?
Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?
Ultimately, nobody notices, so do whatever you want to do in life.
I'm having trouble taking myself seriously.
If they ever lock you away in a padded room, just pretend it's one of those fun bouncy houses for kids. Should be easy, since you're crazy.
Internet, you've made a compelling argument. Sleep: present your case.
Alcohol has magical powers. It can turn a couch into a bed.
Remember, on the first Christmas people bought a total of three gifts. And they were last-minute. And two of them sucked.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff.
Love is not about how much you say "I love you", but how much you can prove that it's true.
Listening is the simultaneous exercise of both hearing and giving a shit.
We're all born optimists. But then life happens.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: What, I gotta do your job for you now?
Large groups of stupid people can accomplish stupid things that an individual stupid person can only stupidly dream of.
I'm a pretty aggressive, left-lane driver for someone who's terrified for every moment of it.
WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.
Don't ask me to remind you to do anything.
I am so sick of doing things.
I'm now pointing my missiles (finger) at russia (myself) because they (I) have (am) gone (really) too (really) far (awesome).
"That went well." - me, at least once in my life, probably
I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.
You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time, it's not a mistake, it's a choice.
I always want to be the person you're texting under the table and not the boring asshole sitting across from you.
People care about you. They want you around. Even if it doesn't always feel like it.
I think he spends most of his time finding ways to avoid spending his time on work.
If I accidentally forget to call and you flip out, I retroactively didn't call on purpose.
thanks for being tiny heating blankets, laptops
I just realized: Everything I put in my body will either come back out (gross) or stay in there forever (way grosser)
In life, as in eating, always bite off more than you can chew...that's what napkins are for.
I'd like to die in my sleep, so if you find me bleeding to death somewhere, will you gently push a Lunesta down my throat?
Spiders are the most amazing, delicate, beautiful things I murder without even thinking about it.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
i would like oprah more if she had given all those cars to homeless people or me
Not nearly enough people have been punched today.
Its better to have a life of 'oh wells' than a life of 'what ifs'.
Children are too low to the ground to ever be clean.
They say marijuana ruins your memory, but I can't recall a single thing I don't remember.
I love the affectionate little "Don't worry, friend, I'll pet your head and make it okay" thing cops do as they put you in the cruiser.
"Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?" -- Steven Wright
olive garden's endless soup salad & bread sticks is a LIE i went back this morning & was flatly denied this is an outrage
Nothing makes me feel healthier than reading the potential side affects list of the medicine I was supposed to take.
Everything goes wrong at once.
Just told my 5-year-old son, “Don’t lie, Santa doesn’t like that.”
Sometimes I’ll imagine that a total stranger is mad at me, but then I realize that’s ridiculous. Of course I’m not imagining it.
“Long story short” = fuck this story
Ask yourself if you're really helping or just trying to award yourself good-person points.
I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.
Think about it too long, you'll forget why it matters.
"Normal" people are ones you don't know very well.
My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.
what do i have to do to get sentenced to house arrest it can't be that hard
At my house, multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Some people are like clouds. Once they move on, it's a great day.
Don't know why my wife owns a sewing machine if she won't let me make the kids sew shoes.
Sunday is the mosquito leaving the tent, swollen with your blood.
Sharks kill about 10 humans every year. About 100 people die per year when they are stepped on by cows.
The greatest danger for most of us is not that we aim too high and miss it, but we aim too low and reach it. ~Michelangelo
Things have certainly been on my mind lately.
Marijuana should be decriminalized and then recriminalized an hour later because man, would it be funny watching people freak out.
People who try to make you think you're not good enough, secretly know that they're the ones who aren't good enough.
Cocaine dealers are always sticking their business in other people's noses.
Politicians always think we're sitting around the dinner table talking about stuff.
Tomorrow you might meet the person you'll wind up hating for the rest of your life, so dress appropriately.
"The enemies of the future are always the very nicest people." -- Christopher Morley
Wine comes from grapes and vodka’s just fermented potatoes yet you say I need MORE fruits and veggies. Are you even a real doctor?
italy's economy is in turmoil which only means one thing we have to eat all of the pizza here i'll start #helping
Combat the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) with plenty of tropical drinks!
get out there & be positive today everybody! i mean not HIV positive if you can help it but you know
Decisions are made when we're tired of thinking.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
At this point we're all just fighting over who gets the nicer view of the world burning.
People will put up with a lot of crap, but if you respond to someone's text with, "k" you have just crossed a line.
Despite all my rage I am still just a person in a situation.
If you told me the cheese puffs I'm eating were poisoned I would probably still keep eating them.
I hate places that let you choose your own toppings yet refuse to top off my sandwich with crisp hundred dollar bills.
It feels good to hear someone say "Take care". But it feels so much better to hear someone say "I will take care of you."
Those who can't forget are worse off than those who can't remember.
I don't deal well with good-byes. I'm better with good-riddances.
I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Anyway, don't forget to vote!
Another day of saying stuff I don't mean and thinking stuff I don't say.
Life is just an 'f' in lie.
Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, shit. They found out."
Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing.
Hey, that isn't God talking. It's you, thinking.
More often than not, a paycheck is compensation for putting up with bullshit.
I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who knows what they're talking about.
A lot of people are lucky they don't see their personalities when they look in the mirror.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I do my best acting when I'm in a public place pretending I didn't see someone I know.
People who don't leave messages know their call is bullshit.
Thought about walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.
I have this reoccurring nightmare called a job.
The exact translation of "We'll just agree to disagree" is "You couldn't be more f**king wrong but I'm over this discussion."
Guys go out drinking to get girls. Girls go out drinking to get 2 double cheeseburgers and a 5 piece McNugget at 3AM.
Choose your facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing.
It always seems that people who bring nothing to the table take the most from it.
Attitude is like your underwear; you must wear it, but never show it.
"Don't do something permanently stupid just because you're temporarily upset."
No one else knows how to be you. All they can tell you is how to be more like them.
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~James Baldwin
You can never have enough of what you don't need.
Drugs make people sit down in weird places.
It's times like these that make me long for times like those.
I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.
Need a memory card I can attach to my brain.
A smart girl knows how to love. A smarter one knows who to love.
Justin Credible? I've got some people he should meet: Hugh Cares and R. U. Fuckingkiddingmewiththis.
6 BILLION people on Earth and I'm me.
I slept in today. For those of you with kids "sleeping in" is laying in bed unconscious for an extended period of time without interruption.
I'm like a book I can't put down.
At least I'm rich in poverty.
just found out i have an extra hour to get ready & i can guarantee you i'll still be late
:( sad sandwich ):
Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
There should be a "5 Second Rule" for when you offend someone so you can take it back.
Sometimes life's Hell. But hey, whatever gets the marshmallows toasty.
~J. Andrew Helt
God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die.
With all the deductions from my paycheck, my take-home pay barely survives the trip.
I've had a spectacular day. It was in 1998, I think.
I'm super laid back until anything.
Water is just coffee that hasn't reached it's full potential.
I say we give every homeless person in America free bagpipes until the problem is solved.
It's not that I don't want to live in the moment. I just want to live in a *different* moment.
I don't know what I want to do more. Nothing or everything.
I'm just smart enough to be frustrated with how dumb I am.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine
Age is just a number... yeah, and jail is just a room.
My last Balance Update from the bank only said LOL.
I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is I won.
It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.
I don't believe in laundry segregation.
I spend all my time finding new ways to waste it.
For the record, killing two birds with two stones is still pretty amazing.
If you don't stop squabbling, Barack Obama is going to turn this car around right now.
Today the day siezed me.
I can never tell if Eminem is yelling with me or at me.
I tell people exactly what I think. Silently.
Oh cool, a flat tire. That's good, cuz I didn't just buy the tire last month and things are going really well in general.
"Good thing that thing that's true of most people isn't true of me" - most people
Homeless people aren’t nearly as depressing if you just think of them as really ambitious campers.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.
It never ceases to amaze me how many words are required for politicians to say nothing.
If you consistently have the same problem with multiple individuals, maybe you should explore something called the "common denominator".
I'd mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting.
"I don't wanna brag but--" Yes. Yes you do- and here you go!
I was supposed to be better at doing things by now.
I’m as happy as a clam. Wait. Are clams really happy?
Ironically, it's the getting ahead that I'm running behind on.
Time is that quality of nature that keeps events from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn't seem to be working.
Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
Currently having a worst case scenario.
You know you're supposed to be doing something else right now. Yes, you.
Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I think "This is the worst thing that has EVER happened."
I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick about him!
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is bullshit!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help
My brain is officially on reruns.
Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.
FACT: Those that talk to you about others will talk to others about you!!
I'm the Froot Loop that survives the bowl but ends up in the sink clinging to the drain stopper for dear life.
It has been such a lovely day, full of friends and well-wishers. If I was in a Lifetime movie, this is the part where I would find a lump.
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. -- Garrison Keillor
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
Hey everybody, pretty bad job driving today.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
The honest weatherman; "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I am wrong."
A bachelor's degree is the new high school diploma.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending.
I feel like I might've switched bodies with an 80 year old once and never quite got back all the way.
I mostly blame this country's obesity epidemic on Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Not very busy today. I'm walking around like a turtle with its head cut off.
I hate it when you go to a store and there are kids all over the place, but not a single price tag on any of them.
The hardest part of today is going to be from right after I get out of bed until right when I get back into bed.
"This is probably a good time to reflect on every mistake I've ever made" - 3am
I woke up extra early to procrastinate this morning.
Thank you to everybody who worried about me driving home tonight but I made it home safely. You should worried about all those people I hit.
Every couple sentences I get nervous I've used the English language horribly wrong.
I've effectively replaced sleep with coffee and anger.
Txt msgs. Whur inglsh goze to di. LOL
I'm so busy, if something bad happens today, I won't have a chance to worry about it for two weeks.
I took some Aleve. It doesn't work for shit. No one is Aleving me alone.
Some conversations could really use a fast-forward button.
Getting the feeling I'm about to run at a football being held by Lucy.
My "hello" has a "let's wrap it up" tone.
Dear loud talkers, can you at least be discussing something interesting?
Smoke detectors need to be tested from time to time. So, sometimes I cook something.
To anyone thinking my posts are directed specifically at them, I'd like to introduce you to this hot, yellow orb the earth revolves around.
Personally, I'm glad the saber tooth tiger is extinct. I've got enough stuff to worry about this week.
I'm going to buy a gun and name it Kindness.
Interested: what more people should attempt to be instead of interesting.
I had two totally responsible and adult things I was going to do today and now for the love of me I can't remember either one of them.
I'm at my wit's end. And it didn't take me long to get here either.
No matter what happens in England, my queen will always be Latifah.
When the only tool you have is denial, nothing looks like a problem.
Never trust someone that wears colored contacts. They've already lied to you.
Today was like going through a car wash with the windows down.
Three hours of consciousness in the books: nothing accomplished. Good day so far.
Why does everything I am supposed to do require more time than I willing to give?
Ah, Tuesday. I always expect nothing from you and you always deliver.
Have you read the labels? Honestly, is there ANYTHING toothpaste can't do these days?
calm down, sunrise. we get it, you're amazing.
I think what happened is that America was embarrassed about being so late to WWII, so now they make a point of always showing up first.
Today doesn't have that new day smell.
Just as an aside to what you were talking about, I haven't been listening to a thing you've been saying.
I must say you really have an open mind. And a mouth to match.
Oh Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. Amen.
Sometimes I make a mental note and then forget where I put it.
With the price of gold this high I'm starting to seriously consider wishing I had some.
My children have an amazing ability to bicker over the most meaningless things. I've nicknamed them "Congress."
This white chocolate Dove bar tastes like soap. ... oh.
For me, one good thing about being wrong, is the joy it brings to others.
Coincidentally, my hospital gown and my insurance both cover about as much.
"I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day."
The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The button to close the doors on the elevator is definitely a placebo
I was raised to believe only I can prevent forest fires. It's a huge responsibility no child should be saddled with.
At this point in my life I am surprised by nothing and baffled by everything.
Take my advice: I don't use it anyway.
How come it's usually the person with the closed mind who has the open mouth?
A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
If I'm ever about to be executed and I'm asked for any last words, I think I'll say "Abracadabra" just in case.
As you can imagine, Edward Scissorhands was strictly forbidden from running.
Another morning. Another rude awakening.
Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.
I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday. I didn't buy one.
Monday morning.. Time to rise and whine!
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Go back to the part of the conversation where you weren't speaking.
Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"
It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.
If you want to understand politics, you have to read between the lies.
The secret ingredient in my brownies is love. Or poison. I always forget.
I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'
C'mere everybody, group shrug.
The key to happiness is not on my key ring.
"If cats could talk, they wouldn't." -- Nan Porter
Take a moment to unwind. It's far better for you than unraveling.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
The first step is admitting you're a problem.
You owe it to yourself to become successful. After that, you'll owe it to the IRS.
If money talks, why won't it have a conversation with me?
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
Some people are so incapable of self loathing you can't help but do it for them.
If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
I'm not awake until I've had 2 cups of coffee and a nap.
Just met John & Jane Doe and their lovely children Play, Tornay, Potay and Alfred.
I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.
It's like these advertisers know what I want even before I do!
So, in summary, my life is a white button down shirt at an all you can eat spaghetti buffet.
No one would listen to you talk if they didn't know it was their turn next.
"I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.
I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.
I'm now day trading. I've got an extra Thursday if anyone has a Sunday or Wednesday they're not using.
It’s really easy to lose your train of thought when the tracks don’t lead to the station.
I don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
Waldo must owe a lot of people money.
When push comes to shove try not be to standing on the edge of anything.
I used to get lost in the shuffle. Now, I shuffle along with the lost.
Sometimes I like to think of you people as my talking stamp collection.
If you can't be part of the solution, insist on being most of the problem.
I've found the secret of happiness - total disregard of everybody. -Ashleigh Brilliant
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will no longer be controlling any circumstances.
The leading cause of death in mice is Scientists.
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
If I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?
I need to take a personal year.
Some people are their own punishment.
If each day's a gift today was socks.
I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.
Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a reason to buy a way nicer hammer.
Bad ideas always think they're good ideas.
Ceilings were just ambitious walls.
Today feels only 68 to 74 percent real.
Just found out pixie sticks aren't even made from real pixies.
I'm a leaver, not a fighter.
I agree with what you say, but I won't defend your right to be douchey about it.
I need whatever the opposite of foursquare is. I'd like to be less aware of my location.
Not to risk getting out of bed on the wrong side tomorrow morning, I've decided to not get out of bed.
I asked my freezer what the future had in store for me and the answer was chilling.
A metaphor is a simile with a stronger sense of commitment.
You know, we were licking stamps for a long time after we had sticker technology. Come on, man.
I can understand both sides of an abusive relationship because of how me and my car treat each other.
Accuse someone of denying everything. It's a hard one to fight.
I'm having more of an entire-life crisis.
Tomorrow the role of me will be played by someone more interested and better qualified.
My husband thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.
That whole end of the world 2012 thing can not get here soon enough for me!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
"If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, 'Help, they've turned me into a parrot', you are wasting everybody's time."
If anyone can put the "i" in "Team" it's Apple.
If I had a dollar for every time I misplaced my keys, I'd have a purse full of money, I'd also be trying to find.
Off is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.
Oh, Fox News! LOL! You wacky, bigoted fucks!
Im not sure whats so 'outstanding' about this bill? It seems pretty ordinary to me.
If I'm going to be this awake at 2:30 in the morning, I might as well go guard a factory or something.
Wife has a fever. Daughter has a fever. Neither are of the "disco" variety.
It would stink to have to bury a dead body after a snow storm. That's like, double the shoveling.
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
- Otto von Bismarck
Plan B for saving a lot on college: learn calligraphy and make my own diploma.
I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay.
All pills are sleeping pills if you take enough of them.
My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This parenting thing is bullshit.
Things look 'a whole lot brighter in the morning' because of the sun. They still suck.
Why does "new and improved" always end up "expensive and shitty"?
It's the 21st century, people. Why in the world do we still have mornings?
I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.
I don't lie. I have, however, invented my own language which uses a lot of the same words as English but with somewhat altered meanings.
To make small talk interesting, stare inquisitively at one spot on the person's face until they self-consciously touch it.
I have better things to do with my time than my job.
the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.
I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
What's the cheat code for Friday?
If I had known I was going to have this much shit to do at work today I wouldn't have come in sober
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, tornados and the dark and everything.
It's not called PowerRamble. It's called PowerPoint, so please get to one.
So, we're arguing and I've suddenly realized I don't agree with a word I'm saying. Which really ups the degree of difficulty for winning.
The societal importance of any job is evident in how quickly it's lost in an economic slump, ask any busy nurse or unemployed art director
In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
- Arthur Stringer
Fake (+)(+), perfect (o)(o), perky (*)(*),cold (^)(^), and even Grandma's \o/\o/, big ( @ )( @ ), or small (.)(.). Save them all!
"Some days are for living. Others are for getting through."
Malcolm S. Forbes
Well that's another dream dashed and it's barely eight. If I can keep up this pace I should be completely free of delusions by Friday.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is somebody screwed up.
The Doctor... "Time is a great healer. That's why we keep you waiting so long."
Attention Lifetime movie heroines: please do not marry a man who owns a secluded cabin in the woods.
Losing eyesight isn't as bad as losing vision.
Oh come on. Earth is covering the sun again
It wasn't all that long ago when everything was just Regular Strength.
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
Don't worry about what other people think. They don't do it very often.
Today needs an eject button.
"...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."
The Lord works in mysterious ways... Just like those road maintenance guys.
I have Restless Life Syndrome.
Body scans and genital fondlings would save more lives if our Government was paying to have them done in hospitals rather than airports.
Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to think of it as Surprise Adoption
Hey little kid in your adorable pink jacket: I'm no kidnapper, but if I was, you would be the one.
Monday, you deplete me.
Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I'd be less introverted if the conversations in my head weren't better than the conversations I have with other people.
I wish my thumbs had the power of Pandora. I would give people the thumbs down & they'd instantly disappear & be replaced w/ a better one.
Some diems are just not meant to be carpe'd.
I'd love to come to your party, but I have a conflict of disinterest.
"You have potential" = "I can imagine a day when you won't suck at this."
So much in life would benefit from a good, hard CTRL+ALT+DELETE.
I think I got up on the wrong side of history this morning.
I feel like I'm ready to have children, but they just won't get in the van.
A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.
I hate it when a person offers to make themselves "perfectly clear" but then I can still see them... and hear them.
I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.
I've gotten very spiritual because the material thing isn't working out.
Wanna get a sense of my life? Try using an Etch A Sketch on a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Murphy's Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something.. if it's good, it goes away. If it's bad, it happens.
Blame someone else and get on with your life. - Alan Woods
I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
I'm great at remembering names. I just don't remember which one's yours.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.
I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.
I really played this whole life thing wrong.
I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!
"Rules are like necks. They're meant to be broken"
"Mr. and Mrs. Explorer? It's social services. We are here to talk to you about Dora."
I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late".
Life, if you could call it that, goes on.
When you really think about it, it's best to not really think about it.
If there actually ever was an elephant in the room I'd be like, "elephant!!!"
I've started sleeping 12 hours a day. The economy being what it is, I can't afford to stay awake any longer than that.
Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? It is giving me a false sense of anxiety.
My train of thought has derailed.
It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.
training to withstand sleep deprivation torture.
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end. ~Fred Couples
I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter.